Satisfaction

The feeling we get when our maximal abilities are expressed in the best way.

All of us have quite a few abilities. From time to time we should do an up-do-date bookkeeping and examine the extent to which these abilities are adequately expressed. Many people do not know how to make a distinction between passing time and sufficient self-expression. Thus, for instance, we know how to enjoy a movie broadcasted on TV, but if we watch movies all the time we might pass our time pleasantly but we shall not get satisfaction since we do not realize our abilities.

If we promote our abilities in an area that enables us to express ourselves enjoyably, we shall reach a sufficient solution whose entertaining quality competes with that of the addictive activity which does not cause satisfaction. A social, challenging game such as bridge – or any other enjoyable expression means – shall easily compete with watching TV.

In Friendship School, passing time serves for recovery between expressive and satisfying actions. After we have used our entire mental budget, we can pass our time reading or watching movies and then it is not considered a missing.

It should be noted that in order to maintain a high level of satisfaction, we should be persistent in relation to scholastic culture. That requires constant development. It is the same characteristic which is found in relation to negative relief. A person who becomes addicted to sleeping pills, needs stronger and stronger pills in order to achieve the desirable outcome. The previous dosage is no longer sufficient. It is so also regarding satisfaction which we define as positive, one must increase his ability more and more. For example, you added another position to your sex life. Good for you. At first it is extremely gratifying.  Then it becomes part of the routine and the entertaining quality becomes only reasonable. Thus, one should keep developing friendship even in bed. Whatever you did in the past cannot possibly satisfy you in the future. One must keep learning and developing. This is the real essence of the scholastic culture.

Scenery

All the things that are included in our reservoir of abilities, together with the opportunities spread in front of us. In other words: The things we know how to do and can do and the things that can be achieved in the foreseeable future.

It partially overlaps the term ‘spectrum of opportunities’. It means whatever is included in reality before screening. In scholastic culture we recommend that our consciousness scans the scenery. Merely being present without judging or identifying. Without responses of automatic reflexes. Only to scan. We should do that before we respond and identify the things which are relevant for us at a certain moment and choose our direction – like watching the scenery out of a window. A person who looks carefully at the scenery shall select a way which will lead him safely towards the most suitable target.

Avoiding the scenery means repression which I describe as a kind of blindness or short-sightedness. On the other hand, I compare the brain’s control over the repression reflex to improvement of sight, to sharpening of the distinction between various shades. A person who does not notice the multiple opportunities in front of him, is like a person who shuts his eyes and refuses to see the scenery.

A person who does not move, is prepared to see the same scenery over and over. The minimizing of his world makes him very weak: every change in the scenery is bound to destroy his world. He cannot deal with change.

A person who moves, grows, learns or develops – might deal with a changing scenery successfully. His ability changes, his scenery changes accordingly and vice versa: he refers to the changing scenery and his ability changes accordingly. One thing leads to another. The new ability, which is created, enables the exposure to a new scenery, and the exposure to a new scenery expands ability. Learning a new language enables us to produce more in a foreign environment and long exposure to foreign environment contributes to the acquisition of a new language.

When there is movement of growth, a situation that resembles a ride takes place: when we move forward, it seems that the scenery moves backwards. When a woman learns to enjoy living with a spouse and to enjoy children, she shall find soon enough that she has left behind all her past friends who remained singles. If they undergo change as well, it is easier to maintain the old friendships.

Students at the Friendship School are asked, amongst other things, to prepare a list of possibilities and suggestions in order to train their brain to use scenery sight: what can serve as a platform for screening and selecting, what is more relevant, what are the priorities.

For instance, someone feels she detests her husband and is very attracted to a man who is still married but plans to leave his wife. If she is short-sighted, and do not see the scenery, she shall act according to these poor data and shall probably end up very disappointed. Another woman who sees a more complicated scenery, realizes she has had some stolen moments with the married man which cannot possibly reflect living with him on a daily basis. (Perhaps we should interview his wife in order to find out something about his capabilities as a spouse…) Not every single move requires a thorough market survey, but it is advisable to scan the scenery before taking crucial steps.

When our scenery sight is developed, connections of elements are created. Let’s us take for example a woman who meets some guy in the south, with whom she likes to travel; she meets another guy in the north with whom she prefers to have sexual intercourse. She also meets a friend in Jerusalem with whom she likes to talk. This woman spends a lot of energies and produces very little. Another woman would find a guy with whom she likes to have sexual intercourse, travel and talk and then she is left with a mental budget to add to her life other friendly components.

When a person does not repress his various abilities, and in addition sees the scenery, he sees many different scenarios. He can choose the best scenario. This is not a dream, or imaginary, unrealistic process. It is seeing some scenarios which are all possible and achievable, but at this point of scanning the scenery, are still not at the production phase. Later on, selecting one of the scenarios, moves the rest of the scenarios to the fringes of the scenery. Such scenery sight prevents the frustration felt by a person who aims at a certain target in advance, without scanning and obsessively expects and hopes for one thing that might not come true.

Scholastic Culture

A culture which is based primarily on learning and progress.

We produce change through learning. Learning means not to make do with doing things we are used to and love but also to do things which we have not learnt to love yet. It means doing things you dislike and things that do not suit you. A person who keeps doing only the things he is used to do, tends to recycle himself and get stuck in one place. Sometimes he moves sideways instead of forward; namely, he starts building an ability and then neglects it, starts something new – neglects it too and so forth. He tends to abandon the things he has and desire new things. On the other hand, a person who learns something persistently shapes his identity while developing. And if he decides to change his course, he moves from the less to the more, which means that he moves in the direction of something that competes with the thing he already has. For instance, when he changes his workplace, it is not because he does not do a good job, or because he does not like his job, but because he was exposed to a more interesting and rewarding job.

He knows how to use his ability in a certain domain for other domains until he becomes an expert in the new domain as well. He can decide how to combine each of his abilities within his whole identity. He is able to touch a certain subject superficially, and to go deeply into a different subject.  He can memorize a musical piece, a book or a poem until these are etched in his mind as if they are inseparable part of his being. He does not need external devices such as a book or a CD player. He can “read” the book from his memory and “hear” the musical piece loudly whenever he wants to. By the way, most people are equipped with this ability. The problem is that they use it to perpetuate negative experiences…

This person knows how to notice other capable people since we can always learn from someone else. He learns to do and to feel what they know and feel. Moreover, he learns his lessons. A person who experiences the same things time and time again, does not learn.

A person of the scholastic culture who has produced a friendly change knows how to maintain it. It is not enough to learn how to drive; you should also get used to driving a car. It is not enough to learn how to play the piano; you must be persistent. It is not enough to lose weigh; you should keep in shape. It is not enough to get married; you must refresh your relationship. It is not enough to have children, you should grow with them.

In scholastic culture the person is not locked in a prison of crude judgments unconditionally. If he wants to linger, he does that, from time to time, in order to do a kind of bookkeeping, to examine the important issues and to make sure he does not repress things in an unfriendly manner.

Thus, the ability to learn is the tool that eventually builds the ability to enjoy life and perhaps to get closed to what people call “happiness”. People in the scholastic culture learn to express their abilities and talents fully; they know how to learn other people and the cultures of their neighbors. They are equipped with the ability to live. They keep learning till their last day.

Sensational Diagnosis

Diagnosis based on sensations occurs when an individual interprets reality on the basis of his personal sensations. 

Many people believe that what they sense and feel reflects the surrounding reality well and expresses their true abilities accurately. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sensational Diagnosis reflects solely the things we were programmed to feel and sense. We learn to sense and feel, and if you wish, even to think, in the same way we learn our mother tongue. We cannot choose where to be born, who our parents, teachers and neighbors will be or the stuff they will inject into our brains. Thus, people who are not scholastic will shuffle on and on along the same sensations and emotions rooted in their childhood. They are destined to remain with the same bundle of old experiences and they will reach the same conclusions and judgments time and time again. They will find it difficult to learn new things, to orientate themselves to the much colorful, complex reality and to interpret it.

Sensational Diagnosis is similar to shortsightedness. The difference is that the short-sighted is aware of the fact that he does not see well. Thus, he will search for means to improve his sight through glasses, microscopes, telescopes etc. The sensational diagnostician will not look for assistance in order to improve the percentages of his sight and comprehension; on the contrary, he will determinedly ward off whatever does not fit his sensations.

The situation gets even more complicated since sometimes what we sense and feel is not necessarily incorrect… We all know the saying ‘Even a broken clock is right twice a day’. Moreover, we sometime come across an expert who senses the situation accurately even without conducting a thorough examination. For example, an experienced mechanic might identify the failure and know how to fix it just by listening to the engine. .. Ever since Freud’s days feelings and sensations have been the raw material of the common cultural and psychological discourse. We have learnt to report to any kind of audience what we sense and what we feel. “I have the feeling that…” “It feels right…” “When he told me, I felt that…” and so forth.

The therapist will listen with explicit empathy and will be interested in “What else do you feel… Since when have you been feeling this way… What does it do to you… What does it remind you of…” This language creates texts such as: “On the one hand I feel that I want to leave him… but on the other hand, I’m scared. And in way I also feel guilty because of the kids…”

This type of discourse is based on a built-in belief that if the patient chews his numerous emotions, which are based on the software that was embedded in him during childhood, understands them, digests them and vomits them, reality will change in a certain way. What usually happens is that the patient, instead of achieving change, stays in the same place and is busy recycling his elementary experiences.

Of course there is no harm in reviewing the sensational, emotional systems per se. Moreover, some cultures are known to have enforced emotional repression on their subjects, such as the Chinese culture in Mao Tse Tung days, or in the case of a secluded, isolated religious society. In such cultures the subjects become one-dimensional, very repressed or restrained. For these individuals, the mere permission to talk about the secrets of the soul and the open discussion enrich their emotional capabilities and grants them more colorful, complex and mainly human dimensions, and this, in itself, is a friendly deed.

Sensational diagnosis may turn into a problematic tool if someone infers the reality from it, and uses it to make cardinal decisions.

“ I had a rough time with my husband, I felt I could not take it anymore. And I divorced him… it was tough, but I learned not to be dependent, I learned how to be independent…” in most cases with a certain therapeutic support which provided backup for these feelings and even helped the women in the process of divorce.

She has been on her own for the last decade. She keeps convincing herself that she made the right choice when she decided to get a divorce. But, in fact, she has narrowed down her world. She had more and now she has less (her ex-husband actually remarried and had more children…).

Only seldom we come across an extremely disturbed relationship in which the husband is a violent offender and thus we all agree that the woman is better off without him…but, in most cases, most divorcees were merely involved in a “relationship accident” and were too ignorant to save what they could have had. If they had not judged themselves on the basis of the clashes with their programmed emotional system, but had tried to put these systems aside for a while, and create a different reality, their emotions would have changed “miraculously”. I have accompanied couples in conflict numerous times. Instead of discussing their feelings for each other, I sent them to do some homework together and separately. A few weeks later, they became “honey-moon” couples.

Thus, therapies which are based on discussions of what one feels and senses, “what does it do to me” and the likes, allow, in most cases, the patient to remain in the same place, to repeat the school year and to recycle himself instead of growing and developing. Or, in the worse case scenario, support him in making unfriendly decisions.

Is it possible to change, not only the behavior, but also the feelings and emotions?

Yes indeed!

Traditional psychology assumes that a traumatic event must have an impact on our lives…but I see it as learning declination. The problem is not the traumatic event itself, but the habit which was created afterwards and became fixated. Thus we are only dealing with the habit. Moving from abandonment to trust, from anxiety to security – there are, of course lucky individuals that were born into trust and security. All others are supposed to invest in learning and experiencing until their feelings change.

For instance, a motorbike accident. Injury and damage. When the motorist rides his motorbike afterwards he might experience a sense of paralyzing anxiety. Some would let that sense dictate a decision of not riding the motorbike ever again. The response would become fixated and the emotions would dictate avoiding motorbikes altogether. But some people would act completely differently. They would climb the motorbike, increase the speed gradually and soon the sense of anxiety would fade and be replaced by totally different sensations.

(Some would in fact claim that this is an example of learning declination, and not learning one’s lessons. Perhaps they are right. This only shows how much the sensational diagnosis and the deriving judgments demand our special attention in order to choose the things which are friendly for us).

In Friendship School the chronic single woman is disqualified to testify about men. The fact that she came that far without a lifetime partner proves that she does not distinguish the ones who are suitable from those who are unsuitable and she is not able to maintain a relationship. The sensational mechanism that dominates her is misleading and she would find herself attracted to men who have the same limitations and would be disgusted by men who know how to maintain a relationship or be disqualified by them once they realize how limited she is.

A woman who knows how to love, meaning, how to contain another human being, and to maintain lasting satisfactory relationship with a spouse, a friend, may have a reliable emotional and sensational mechanism. In other words, if she feels repelled by someone, it shows that he is repulsive, in the sense that he has not taken a shower for months and it is really difficult to stand next to him, and not that she has limited love abilities…

In fact, this is the main scope of the learning culture. The ability to acquire an ability which was not part of your culture, or your “early programming”, and the ability to create an emotional, sensational change. For instance, riding a motorbike. (I always recommend taking lessons in riding motorbikes. Probably, because I am an addict myself, but mainly because it enables one to produce rapid change learning. Sometime during the course of a single lesson. She (apparently, for some reason, I recommend it more to women than to men. Especially to women who did not ride bicycles or roller-blades) climbs the motorbike in the first lesson, terrified, and within minutes her fear turns into an almost childlike pleasure. More than once the ones who experienced this emotional, sensational change, understand from this simple experience, that it is possible to create change through an intentional act and this understanding is reflected in other areas in which changes are needed). Similarly, disgust turns into affection and amongst scholastics feelings of hatred turn into love.

We shall expand a little on the “how” learning is accomplished and how it is done. Sensational diagnosis decreases the chance of learning new and different things. For example, a person who was trained to be disgust by sea food, sits in front of a plate of shrimps in garlic-butter dressing. Epicures know that it is absolutely delicious, but our hero would probably feel nothing but disgust. This sensation is totally predictable considering the way he was raised. If he concludes, according to his senses that “it”, the dish, is disgusting, it means that his sensational mechanism stupefies his brain. In this case, the damage is not great and he would remain accustomed to the eating habits he learned from his mother. Similarly, the chronic single woman feels disgusted or bored by the man who tries to win her affection, disqualifies him and remains single.

However, the scholastic, recognizes his feelings of disgust as well, but assumes they derive from the way he was brought up and does not diagnose the food according to these sensations. He assumes that the dish is tasty since he looks around and sees other people who eat it delightedly. Thus, an individual who wishes to have better chances of making a change, must bypass his emotions and try to learn how to enjoy shrimps in garlic-butter dressing. In other words, to concentrate on the taste of the dish. It is obvious that if he keeps concentrating on the predictable sensations, he prevents himself from knowing anything about the food on his plate.  Only when he manages to put aside his predictable sensations, as a disturbing factor, his improved concentration enables him to sense some of the taste. There is no doubt that the old, familiar sensations, like a mother tongue, still live at the back of his mind. But he would concentrate on the remote sensation of the food’s taste. He would notice that the taste had changed a little. Surly, the dish is still not tasty, but does not cause utter disgust. From now on he should concentrate on the little changes in the sensations derived from the dish. Meaning that from time to time it becomes easier for him to eat it, and later on, easier, until at last he finds it really delicious. Change accomplished. The sense of disgust turned into pleasure. He understands that the attempt of producing a change cannot possibly be unique. Each type of learning requires a certain amount of time and effort. Now he is free to make more and more desirable changes in his life.

Anyone can, with a certain amount of effort, recall and recognize in his reservoir a change in the sensation towards something in the course of his life. In most cases it happened since a person was caught in certain circumstances that brought about the change. In Friendship School, however, instead of leaving it for chance or pure luck, we shall initiate the change.

In Friendship School I shall not ask what  you feel, but what have you done so far. If I am interested in deeds, I will learn a lot about feelings. Feelings are the outcome of ability. Ability is the outcome of experiencing. I shall be interested in sensational shift and change of feelings in the course of the learning experiences.

I call the above production of change a bypass of sensational diagnosis.

Another tool for producing mental and sensational change is scenery sight. Scenery sight is improving the ability of scanning a wider array of sensations and feelings which leads to a more solid reasoning. For example, at this moment you are really furious with your husband, your whole being screams to kick him out of your life permanently. If you move your consciousness backwards and forwards, you shall remember the positive, exciting experiences you have had with this man, and notice what the future may hold for both of you and remain a friend of this person whose presence is irritating you at this moment. And vice versa. You live with a disturbed person who is a criminal and violent against you. You know that you must run for your life, but at this moment he is calling you sweetheart, giving you a piece of jewelry and you mellow down. But if you scan the wider array and understand that he has not really changed, you shall not change your decision.

Another tool is what I call the language of facts. I use my scenery sight and mediate between my client and his world. (For instance, she reports a sense of great disappointment at her spouse and her disappointment provides evidence that he is an awful man. Sometimes, it is not true. I know him personally. In such a case I might say to her: “He is not disappointing. It is you who do not notice him. Expects precisely what he is unable to give, misses what he is able and wants to give you. It is as if you enter a bookstore when you actually need vegetables. You would probably go out empty handed. Not because the store is disappointing, but because you did not pay attention to the goods in the store. Feelings of insult which appear frequently are, in most cases, a result of a sort of sight defect. When one improves his sight, he learns how to produce change in the other person, or how not to expect what cannot be changed…

Our learning efforts are endless. We must sharpen our learning tools consistently, catch up, learn our lessons, improve what needs to be improved; we must learn to ask ourselves what we should add to our lives – in order to achieve a reliable tool for world orientation. In short, in Friendship School we shall not focus on what one feels like doing but on what one should do.

State of Aggregation

The up-to-date information regarding our abilities at a given time.

This is a reliable reflection of the reservoir of abilities each one of us has. It enables us to know the exact level of each one of us in various areas.

In order to learn about a person we should ask him what he is doing and what he used to do in the past. A detailed answer to these questions will provide us with more reliable information than assessments and judgments. If we add to it knowledge about his days’ content, namely, what he does with his time – we will be able to know what the level of his current ability is in every domain according to the amount of time he dedicates to each of his occupations.

You might want to think of the identity as a cake which is divided to several pieces, some of which are large, some of which are small, and some are really thin.

Examine the size of the professional piece and the size of the rest of the pieces: relationship, family, hobbies etc. Pay attention to the connections between the pieces. Do they live peacefully side by side or are they at odds with each other? Examine the cake as a whole, is it fixated or is it constantly moving? New abilities are added from time to time; one ability fades away and each movement changes the whole identity.

If you learn how to do it you will be able to know who the person who stands in front of you is. Your knowledge will not be perfect, you will never be able to know another person completely, but you shall have a reliable tool of knowing people which is better than many other diagnosis tools.

A state of aggregation is not a crude psychological diagnosis; it is not a diagnosis at all, but it can serve as the basis for a discussion about the things which are worthy of promotion and the things which are not, and how to move forward. This is the foundation of building a personal learning program.

On top of this foundation we build a plan of various types of friendly homework, for each person according to his best interest. Addition of abilities eventually creates change and shapes identities.

Symptom

A phenomenon that reflects disturbing of balance in our inner world.

When we are exposed to things which already exist in our reservoir of abilities, there are no symptoms; but when we are faced with a new element, our organism reacts in different ways. In a non-scholastic culture, the symptoms are fixated and sometimes become the center of identity, so that some people define themselves on the basis of their symptoms: “I am asthmatic”, “I am dyslectic”, “I am disabled”, “I am sick”.

Canonical psychology, being a part of the trampled culture, ascribes considerable, almost exclusive, weight to symptoms. According to the traditional order, we must, mark the problem, understand its origins, remove it and only then we are ready to move on. But the truth is that these traditional stages require enormous efforts which cause damage to the patients’ identity – the patients shape their identity as people who have problems and need to be treated.

On the other hand, scholastic culture does not focus on the symptoms at all. Instead of “I am disabled” – a crude, somewhat negative definition, we would say “I am a one-legged person”, which is a factual saying, namely, noting a fact rather than defining identity. However, it is not sufficient. It is very important where you place this information within your identity. When you say “I”, and add your main occupation, such as an electrical engineer, married with children, and somewhere at the end of the list you mention that you have only one leg, you refer to your identity in a friendly manner. However, when your list starts with “I am a one-legged person”, or when there is not even a list following this definition, it is as if you say that you have nothing else to offer. That is who I am, like a beggar who emphasizes his deformity in order to get more donations… An accurate reference to the missing leg is one that prevents a person from shaping his identity as a professional football player, but allows him to shape numerous other identities.

Thus, the scholastic culture does not dwell on “treating” the symptoms, but deals with production of change and acquisition of new abilities. These abilities might even compensate for the disability. Shaping such a person’s identity, like shaping any other person’s identity, is based on the abilities in various states of aggregations and not on the disabilities…As aforementioned, the first stage of learning how to acquire a new ability is sometimes difficult and few symptoms might appear: but later on, when the new ability is internalized and takes its place alongside other abilities, the symptoms disappear. Thus, the symptoms are expected side-effects that might accompany the first stage of change or learning, but only at the beginning. They resemble sores on the hands of a person who is not used to hard work, or the anxiety of a person who is about to go on the stage for the first time in his life. If we do not dwell or focus on the symptoms, but keep learning and experiencing patiently and gradually, the ability improves, the symptoms disappear and give way to pleasure which is originated from expressing our abilities.

See: “Dealing with problems”, “Crude Rejection” and “Bypass”.

In a non-scholastic culture the symptom might turn into crude rejection means of all other possibilities. A person crudely claims that he is disabled, perceives that as a fact and no longer attempts to make a change.