Friendly Thinking

Creating a section in the brain which bypasses automatic programming

This type of thinking enables people to produce positive changes and grow in scholastic culture. It also helps people to get rid of fixated thinking patterns which allow only minor changes. In friendly thinking we do not disqualify whatever is in our brain in advance, namely the emotional responses, but put it aside, and continue to scan the scenery of options without prior judgment. During the scan we ask ourselves, amongst other things, which option is best for us, what can we produce from it and whether it suits our capabilities. The brain should actually be trained to control itself this way. We should scan the scenery without categorizing it immediately, without putting it in one of the already existing slots in our brain. We should not sort it out immediately as oranges are sorted into the right box, but leave it and continue the scan. By the way, a rush decision could be an immediate acceptance or immediate rejection. Perhaps in this case it will turn out to be a friendly decision, but it is not really so since it was not screened and selected after a thorough examination of capabilities and possibilities. This section in the brain which I refer to as the “landlord” restrains the horses in the brain that rush towards a certain goal, it continues the scan and rushes towards a goal which is selected only after the scan and the screening have been completed.

With the help of friendly thinking we shall learn to identify whatever already exists in our brain: we shall make a distinction between the predictable responses that are familiar to us, the opinions and judgments that are constantly uttered in a complex, changing reality and the things we are currently producing and are different from whatever was in our brain previously. We shall try to air fixated opinions. These are the opinions we have always had despite of various, numerous variables which are piled in front of us. It is as if we put in front of the camera lens a picture which separates it from the reality in front of it. Obviously we should practice the act of selecting which is preferring one package deal over the others very often.

Nurturing the tool of friendly thinking resembles learning a new language. It is not easy, but it is worth it. The effort is most significant in the binding point of the change. In fact, the thing which is most likely to sabotage the decision to change is our enormous, misleading brain. Its prior programming attempts to protect itself from the change, qualify change as undesirable and knows how to “convince” us. A kind of a battle takes place against the “new management” and its attempt to take control over the whole organization. If you sit down and relax for a moment, the prior language shall pop out the same as it always did. You must make a special effort to turn the new language into almost a mother tongue, into a habit. Then the change becomes a routine and does not require constant effort. Only from time to time, when you do not pay enough attention, the old language would sprout like remnants of an accent of an old immigrant.

The important part is accepting that your old thinking tools do not necessarily serve you well or that they include a certain bug that prevents you from moving forward…

There are a few difficulties in defining friendly thinking.

How can we make a distinction between reciting from a blocked brain, searching through various drawers in the brain and retrieving information from them, and brain activity which we call thinking and a creation of the brain?

To what extent can we trust that section of the brain we call the landlord, the one which is supposed to channel our brain into friendly thinking? We create this section in our brain and through our brain. So it is somewhat problematic as any body that appoints the body that inspects and supervises it. It seems prejudiced from the start.

In general, the organs of the brain and the thinking avoid definitions and even understanding. The numerous studies which are being carried out around the world suffer from a built-in bug. The weighing of the brain, examination of its texture, its scanning in advanced tools, discovery of complex, extensive electro-chemical activity which accompanies mental processes create the illusion that we are on the verge of revealing the secrets of the brain.

Human attempts to understand and not to leave even a single area of the brain unexamined are, of course, very welcome.  And indeed, these studies are amazing. The problem lies in the hasty interpretations of the findings of the numerous studies. They provide us with “truths” that make it more difficult to understand the brain. These studies do not provide a shred of evidence regarding the cerebral activity called thinking.

A thorough investigation of materials such as plastic, ivory, wood or metal which the chess pawns are made of shall not make us any wiser regarding the strategic game of chess, a thorough investigation of the cardboard or plastic cards shall not help us understand the sophisticated game of bridge – it is all about the instruments of the game and not the game itself.

The organs of the brain are only the instruments of thinking and not thinking itself.                                       

Something else that is not easy to understand: friendly thinking does not have to be right. It only must be orientated towards starting a friendly process. For instance, a woman who is stuck and suffering was asked to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Retroactively, it turned out that after she had mastered the ability to ride, she added more and more abilities, and after a short while she made an enormous change in her life and the life of her family. But we must not forget that this is an insight post factum. The other possibility was that she would learn how to ride a motorcycle and then get herself killed in a road accident…

Friendship

A production that includes three components: enjoying others’ ability, enabling others to enjoy our ability and a collection of abilities with a whole greater than the sum of its parts.

A molecule of friendship is a situation in which someone expresses his ability and someone else receives it. It is not clear who enjoys it the most the “cow or the calf”; it is also not clear who does a bigger favor, the one who gives or the one who receives and grants the opportunity to express. A person who gives and then feels deprived or exploited misses the sense of satisfaction that derives from the ability to give. A person who wants to give shall always find a person who will enjoy it. If you do not find a person who needs your love, you will discover that cute puppies never refuse love…

In a friendly deal two people complete one another in a more symmetric manner. They add to each other and receive from each other mutually as in a barter. Each one gives his friend something he is missing. When the friendly deal broadens and becomes friendship, more and more components are included in it until two people become experts of each other.  They notice not only the abilities of themselves and the other, but also their weaknesses and limitations. They add to each other without burdening one another. Thus, they play an important part in each other’s life.

When your identity includes another person it means an enormous change of identity has taken place. If you wish, this is what love is all about. Learning to love is at the top of all our abilities.

Nevertheless, considering the weaknesses of others is not always friendly. Sometimes, the one who takes advantage of his position within the relationship in order to produce change without considering the weakness of the other does a friendly deed; in such a case, even if the processes of change burden the spouse or the partner at first, he remains persistent, the partner might eventually join the change. I see this type of burdening as a positive one.

Let’s take for example a woman who loves to dance and who thinks her spouse might enjoy moving himself on the dance floor – but he refuses, that is, he rejects the opportunity she offers him. (What is unfriendly? To stand by him gloomy and complaining, as if he is the reason you are not dancing because it kills the stimulation or to pass the time with a friend because by doing so you become too predictable). The woman goes out without him and chooses to dance with a nice man who is a superb dancer; and when the spouse finds that the woman enjoys dancing even without him it might make him change his mind and join her. (It might also make him angry, but if she is not too concerned, she shall declare that a person who tries to prevent her from doing what she likes cannot possibly be her friend…)

The burden she imposed on him has led to a friendly production – going dancing together. Obviously the pinnacle of production is a change in entertaining quality. She is not supposed to make do with a situation in which her spouse forces himself and comes dancing with her unenthusiastically. Only at the beginning of the process we shall compromise enjoyment. Later on, he is supposed to start enjoying the activity. If he is incapable of enjoying it, he will have to be replaced with a person with a much better ability. This type of burden promotes the welfare of both partners and it is friendly even when the other side does not produce change, since, at least, one of the partners is granted a pleasant opportunity to develop and does not limit himself out of consideration for a declining spouse.

In general it is best to avoid complaining, not to preach or tell adults what to do and what not to do. It is not friendly since, as aforementioned, it kills stimulations and decreases the wish to act. It is especially true when it comes to teenagers who tend to rebel. Instead of telling an adult what to do, it is preferable to place data, namely, to tell the other side what you are about to do, or just to do what you have decided you should do. It might trigger the other side to move forward, and, in any case, it will make you partner take you into consideration.

In certain cases you place data and take a big chance. Meaning, you make it clear for the other person that he cannot remain the same and remain a friend of yours at the same time. So that if the other person chooses not to change, he loses your friendship. It is a friendly deed for two reasons. First, if you are important to the other person, it will make him produce change. If you are not that important to him, at least you send away a person who imposes a great burden on you… a person who does not take you into consideration …Obviously such a crude means should be used only with the most extreme behaviors.

Anyway, the expectations that adults would change should not be too high. However, it is exactly the opposite when it comes to children.  Here it is considered a missing if the parents do not do whatever they can in order to produce desirable changes for the sake of their children. I recommend parents to start with a fun period so that the children would have a considerable baggage. Since in unfriendly relationships the child has nothing to lose. On the contrary, if you push him away, he will enjoy it more…

Thus, friendship does not mean to stand aside ant not to react. You should do whatever you can in order to encourage your friend to make a friendly change. The guides in Friendship School do not have any enforcement means to force a student to do what he should do. They can only try to persuade him, and if they do not succeed, they should send the decliner home.

In mature friendship, you prefer the other person’s welfare to his love. Pleasing him, in this case, means to prefer yourself, to fulfill your own need to be loved and accepted…

Long friendships are worthy and we should use them in a friendly manner. For instance, an old, good friend of mine had been considered asthmatic for many years and it had been known that physical exercise might lead to a severe attack. I persuaded him to join me for walks and joggings on the beach.  He obviously said that he is incapable of doing that, but I did not give in. For the last two decades he has been thin, muscular and totally healthy. He is free of the disease which I doubt he ever had. He is also an example of a student who became better than the teacher… Friendship is a profession that can be studied and acquired. It is an essential capability since it constitutes the basis for success in every aspect of life. I believe it is a “must subject” since we operate inside a human fabric in every area of our lives. Some of us studied this subject in their first school – their parents house, if they were lucky enough to be raised by people who knew how to enjoy each other. The ones who were not that lucky should intentionally add this ability to themselves. A poor ability in the present might turn into an expertise in the future. A person who did not bother to learn this ability shall find it difficult to form a relationship with another person. A person who neglected his abilities in this area and stopped nurturing them, is doomed to lose his ability to enjoy himself in the presence of other people.

If we wish to befriend another person, we should first refer to our reservoir of abilities and then to the other’s reservoir of abilities and ask ourselves what we can add to it. The aim is not do a good deed such as helping an old lady cross the street, but a complex relationship which takes the other person and his abilities into account. In addition, we should ask ourselves how we can enjoy the other’s abilities. As far as friendship with children is concerned, we might avoid using our abilities in order to let the child develop his abilities. Taking advantage of each other’s possibilities contributes to a strong, rewarding friendship.

We must remember that our resources are limited and thus even when it comes to friendship we should decide who shall enjoy more of our time and who shall remain within the group of not so close friends. Moreover, different connections amongst people and interests are also an expression of friendly abilities.   Identifying possible connections and mixes contributes to the development of a friendly community.

In addition, I would like to point out that in my opinion, friendship does not necessarily means meeting with people. Friendship means the entire process of expansion of our ability and our world. If, for example, we have not learnt to swim and enjoy the water, and perhaps we are even afraid of the water, learning how to swim is, in my opinion, acquiring the ability to befriend the sea and the swimming pool. Investing in yourself and nurturing your abilities constitutes a friendly approach towards yourself, and towards others as well. The more equipped you are, the more you are able to contribute to other people. In Friendship School we highly recommend to develop the ability of befriending, not only in order to make friends and meet spouses, but also since this ability constitutes the basis of successful partnerships, businesses, and organization of manpower. Personally, I believe that developing this ability from a very young age, also guarantees the survival of human race – since the dangerous rejection means which are common in limited and fundamentalist cultures have the power to destroy life on earth.