Causality

Analytical thinkers believe that there is a relation between cause and effect. Thus, when one comes across a problem, he must investigate and find the cause of it. This approach has caused, in my opinion, tremendous damage to multitude of patients. Searching for a hidden cause, deep in the sub-consciousness, has led to a waste of time and money at the expense of the patients’ lives and made them dwell on the problems. It has been very effective as far as the gurus of psychology are concerned since they knew how to explain the secrets of sub-consciousness to their obedient patients.

Analytical thinking is of course a great tool which helps us solve many problems in the universe. It is especially essential for technological products. A decent plumber who was called after an apartment was flooded, must examine the water tubes and discover where the leak is. Knowing the problem immediately leads to its solution. The same goes for an electrical system. In case of a failure we shall look for the cause and immediately know what needs to be fixed.

Friendly thinking which refers to human beings rather than to appliances assumes that numerous variables take part in an event to the extent that it is almost impossible to expose and discover all of the components. And even if it were possible, it is such a hassle that takes up much time and money at the expense of the patient, and most importantly, this knowledge shall not contribute to the production of change.

Abilities and scholastic culture grant us freedom of choice. Among other things we have the freedom to decide what to take from our past and what to leave behind. Freedom is not unlimited. We are burdened with genetic equipment that was passed to us from prior generations. And there is no doubt that experiences from early childhood have a great impact on our lives. As our mother tongue is rooted in our brain more than any other language we learn.  As a result, our abilities are limited.  I cannot become taller. Thus, I will not be able to become a professional basketball player. I can compensate for my height with other capabilities related to basketball. It is true, but why should I insist on developing these abilities instead of promoting more easily achieved capabilities which can lead me to more suitable destinations?

People have an amazing learning ability more than any other animal on the face of the earth. We should use this ability and realize our freedom of choice as much as possible.  If we have a predisposition to overweight, we should activate a special operating system which can minimize the effect of genetics. If we immigrate to a new country we should especially focus on learning the local language until it pushes our mother tongue aside. We shall operate a system of special compensation for past shortcomings; we shall rebel against whatever we should in order to realize the freedom of choice that was given to us.

Compensation

Luck is an important part of life. Where to be born, who to be born to, what period we are born into,  in which part of the world, etc. We develop with a certain amount of cultural and genetical data.

There is no use in comparing ourselves to others who have abilities we do not have. That is a fact. We are not equal. I suggest referring to the differences between ourselves and others as a decree, like immigration to a new country. A person who immigrates to another country and culture must make special efforts in order to master a language and a culture which are already familiar to the old residents.

A person who is not committed to this effort, is doomed to remain in a cultural enclave. If we make the move easier for the person, he will achieve less. It is similar to children who are diagnosed as suffering from learning disabilities and are entitled to various bonuses and perks. They usually achieve less than the others. The ones who make tremendous efforts achieve much more. As some students become better than their teachers…

Thus, in Friendship School, a person who has a certain development bug, should not discuss it endlessly. If such a person is determined to produce change, he will simply have to work much harder than others… He must compensate for his neglected area with intensive efforts.

For instance, a forty-five year old bachelor who has never been in a serious relationship, still has a chance to produce change in his life. The condition is that he must be committed to doing difficult homework, which he might even find crazy, until he learns to be a friend and a spouse. A person who invests only small efforts will progress a little, gradually, but shall not succeed in making a change in his identity. He comes to see me from time to time, with his spouse, exhausted from work, choked and hostile, fastens his muscles as if he has just walked half a marathon and his entire being desires to get rid of the woman and go back to his previous life. I often use the metaphor of a pilot’s ejection seat. A person who is not used to the presence of a spouse and children sometimes desires a button that will eject him to another place in a second, or alternatively, eject the other people…

I allow him short periods of rest but do not allow rejection or prolonged rest. I tell him he will rest when he has family and children. Not a moment sooner. Because, if he rests now, as he feels like doing, he might not get to a stage of starting a family and will probably make do with much less…

Psychotherapy which is based on merely support and empathy is damaging. It eliminates the chance of producing change. I would leave the support to people who suffer from terminal diseases, to bring them human comfort.

Concentration

A molecule of ability which is essential both for learning and for enjoyment.    

We may activate this ability in a certain domain and not in other domains. For example, sometimes teachers complain that a child has difficulties in concentration and that is not true. The child can be fascinated for hours by a computer game, while at school he chooses not to concentrate on the lesson either because he is not interested in it,  or because he allows himself not to make an effort.

Concentration is an important component for a person who wishes to join the scholastic culture which produces friendly changes.

When we learn new things, the doing requires a high level of concentration before it becomes an automatic act which does not require investment of energy. A child who wants to learn how to read, for instance, cannot just go over the black marks. If he dose not concentrate on whatever he sees, combine the letters into words and the words into sentences, he shall not acquire reading skills.

It is not possible to undergo profound emotional change without the ability to concentrate. A person who lacks the essential tools for acquiring new abilities, such as concentration, keeps reinforcing the old, predictable language and the diagnosis which have been planted in his brain. He locks himself within his limitations and misses the opportunity to increase his ability and produce change. This molecule of ability is perhaps the most important one in scholastic culture. You should sharpen it. It enables creation of bypasses over the automatic mechanisms in the brain. It enables us to decide and to choose the things we should refer to. It facilitates freedom of choice. And of course, it is the basis of the superb entertaining quality related to our ability to enjoy ourselves. As you probably know, a person needs to concentrate in order to enjoy. Sexual intercourse in itself or tickets to a concert do not guarantee pleasure. Only concentration and listening produce maximal enjoyment.

This is the point one should choose between the approach of Friendship School and most of the psycho-dynamic approaches. At the starting point a person has a certain ability to concentrate on a certain task, such as reading, for a while. Let’s assume that at the moment your ability is not that great and you need to make an effort in order to concentrate. You manage to read five lines and then you get too tired and your consciousness drifts away. According to most approaches you should pay attention to the source of distraction, follow it and even write it down. You need to understand where it comes from, what is bothering you etc. In the meantime your reading ability remains stuck at the same place. In Friendship School, the minute you notice that you lost your concentration on the lines you are reading, you bring yourself back to it. The content of the distraction is totally insignificant. You read another five lines, and once again, your thoughts drift away. You bring yourself back to the relevant stimulus, which is reading, at once. You read another five lines, which constitute your current concentration ability, or even reread the previous lines in order to plant them better in your brain, until you feel you cannot go further. Take a break. A few hours later, go back to the task of concentrating on the lines. Within a few days you shall discover that your reading ability has improved tremendously. The minute you fix your eyes on the print, you do not let go and read whole pages before you feel the need to rest. Now you do not need to rest every five lines but only after reading five pages. You should be persistent in promoting your ability and you shall discover that you can read a whole book at once easily and enjoyably. This is also a critical junction for producing change.

See: “Junction of Opportunities”.

Of course you can practice your concentration also by listening to classical music until you know the piece by heart.

Sharpening the ability of deciding what you should concentrate on resembles vision focus. The minute you fix your eyes on an object, it seems clear. All other objects within the field of vision seem vaguer and objects which are beyond the field of vision are not seen at all. You decide to turn your head and focus on a different object and by doing so your whole field of vision changes. Thus, one should not even bother to remove a certain object. It is sufficient to focus on something. Anything else either goes away or disappears altogether as a result of our concentration.

Reliable concentration ability enables us to reach conclusions about our priorities. When we concentrate well on all our occupations we have a reliable tool for comparing the different occupations and identifying which ones better reflect us, which ones are most enjoyable. Without this ability, conclusions do not mean much, we do not have an adequate tool for reaching conclusions.

Constraint

Tasks, obligations, and things we are forced to do.

At one extremity we shall find people who live their lives handcuffed. Sometimes to the extent that they repress and eliminate all sense of desire.  They do not enjoy freedom of choice. They can only chose between a greater obligation and a smaller one. For instance, your mother is sick and your aunt is sick – you must first take care of your mother. Or, if you are religious, with a matter of life and death the Sabbath can be broken, but you could not possibly imagine going hiking with your family on Sabbath. On weekdays you are committed to your job and your studies and on Sabbath you are committed to praying and to dictated rest.

Many of us have not yet sharpened their tools of choice and screening and for them, identity issues and daily decisions which need to be considered time and time again are an unbearable burden – they prefer settings in which all answers are given in advance. These people escape from freedom to rigorous settings such as religion, army, high-tech and the likes. They are busy up to their necks. Next to them we shall find people who are constantly busy with nuisances. Worries in general and health worries in particular. The nature of the worries is not important. What is important is the level of their awkwardness. It could be a compulsive pursuit of tidiness and cleanliness or of various “errands”, waiting in line in different waiting rooms, telephone conversations and correspondence with different authorities’ officials. They believe they would have preferred to have fun and enjoy themselves unless a certain unfortunate business had not been forced upon them.  But they cannot break loose. When they finish dealing with a certain concern, a new concern suddenly appears… Awkwardness is a matter of dosage. When does someone spends almost on his time on these burdening activities, and when , from time to time does he also finds a little time to deal with constraints which are derived from modern social life. For instance, paying taxes, repairing the car at the garage…the awkwardness starts when one does not distinguish between a constraint to run to the hospital with a kid who has broken his leg and a “constraint” to fill in various forms and run from clerk to clerk in order to get  a $25 carfare refund. The latter is about a sense of duty and not a constraint forced upon us.

Treating and healing obsessive compulsiveness is done through pleasure. Learning to concentrate on and persist in different actions until the ability to enjoy is created. An individual who has learning difficulties needs a medication. He will not learn to enjoy life but the medication will lighten the burden on his shoulders.

For your information, although it may be seen as a contradiction, the people who are able to meet their obligations and deal with constraints are equipped with whatever is necessary in order to produce changes through learning and persistence. For instance, when such a person is asked to learn something new, or when a difficult change is needed, he shall have a clear advantage over many adults who have already become fixated, move only when they “feel like it” and avoid efforts.

Thus, in Friendship School, we recommend starting the process of change as a constraint until change becomes a fulfilling, exciting part of our identity. Starting the change is done through homework.

In order to prevent misunderstandings, little children do not need constraints in order to learn. They are equipped with the best learning tools and learn all the time by way of amusement. And if a certain change is required, all they need is an adult who knows how to have fun with them, and he could easily bring about the change. But an adult who has already become fixated and has fixed habits should not wait until he feels the urge for a change. He should start the change arbitrarily.

See “Management”.

Crude Rejection

An automatic reaction to whatever we are exposed to and does not fit our regular abilities.

Crude rejection is an automatic reaction, a predictable reaction to things that do not suit our regular abilities. There are many manifestations of the awkwardness of this reaction. The most common manifestation is “no”. A person is exposed to a certain proposal and says “no”, often without even listening to the nature of the proposal: “I don’t have time”, “I don’t have money”, “I don’t feel like it” etc. These people do not make a distinction between “I don’t have money to go to the movies with a friend. ” and “I don’t have money to go on a journey around the world on a fancy yacht.” ; they do not make a distinction between the mountain and the molehill and react in a similar way to two completely different things. Or, in other words, the awkwardness is sometimes expressed by the fact that the reaction to a certain thing we cannot possibly do at a certain time also eliminates the things we can do. For instance, a young mother who works very hard taking care of her baby might fall ill: when she feels bad someone else takes care of the baby since there is no alternative; but the illness also prevents her from doing other things she could do. A more sophisticated mother would not need a crude means such as illness in order to rest a little bit, but would allow herself various intermissions. From time to time she would find a reliable person to take care of her baby, and would make the time to go shopping, take a walk, go out or rest.

Another version of this reaction is crude diagnosis such as “this is difficult!” with an exclamation mark instead of “I find it difficult right now.” For example, when someone makes crude diagnosis such as “mathematics is a difficult subject”, it is as if the diagnosis becomes a solid fact and there are no more negotiations. This important point should be clarified. When a person knows he cannot be taller he does not aspire to become a basketball player and does not try to change it. Some people do not make a distinction between the sense of inability and real inability and believe that whatever they feel reflects the reality, meaning that if they encounter difficulties they believe it is difficult and they do not try to change it. Sometimes such a person makes certain gestures of change and tells himself and others  – I have tried and did not succeed – and reaches the conclusion that it is, indeed, unchangeable and by doing so he reinforces the diagnosis  planted in his mind and eliminates the chance of making a change. This is very common “brain damage” which locks the person in a dungeon of his automatic programming. Many people repeat the school year time and time again as if the clock has stopped.

However, in scholastic culture there is a more accurate perception of the relation between current ability and future possibilities. Namely, a person realizes he has a difficulty in mathematics since he is not familiar with the subject, and not because it is a difficult subject in particular. So there is a chance that if he decides to proceed and learn mathematics, and do it gradually and persistently, he will find out that his ability increases and the things that were difficult for him in the beginning become easy. The opposite of a crude rejection is an attempt to be accurate! That is the maximal diminution according to which we shall do exactly what we can do. No more, no less.

Another common manifestation of crude rejection is inciting: when you think of an idea – and immediately putting it off through a contradicting idea. Instead of placing the ideas side by side, analyzing them thoroughly, and then making a friendly decision – diminishing the idea at the first place. This is common amongst supposedly “judgmental” people, who always rush into finding disadvantages (nothing is perfect!) and use them in order to disqualify everything. This is how they destroy the pluses through the minuses and ruin the good and the bad. A common example of this type of crude rejection can be found amongst chronic singles who find disadvantages in every potential partner and by doing so miss any possible enjoyment. Friendly thinking and scholastic culture are about scanning the scenery of opportunities, noticing a few “packages” of stimulations, each containing minuses and pluses, comparing them – and choosing a favorite one, disadvantages included.

The role of such crude rejection means is to minimize the world at once and adjust it to our current reservoir of abilities.  This is an automatic mechanism whose role is to maintain the status-quo, and to prevent change as much as possible. Including changes which a person thinks he might be interested in. Various symptoms demonstrate that, from blowups to various maladies, fears and anxieties. I do not make a distinction between a migraine and falling in love, when dealing with both interrupts the concentration in whatever is more relevant to a person’s life. The nature of the symptom is irrelevant; there is no difference if the barrier placed by the person between himself and the opportunity is made of migraine, falling in love or compulsive thoughts. The reason a person chooses to reject in a certain way while his friend rejects in another way is insignificant. Everybody develops or adapts rejections which are suitable for them.

Sometimes I shall refer to the intensity of the side effects of the process of change and suggest taking them into account. I shall do that when a person reacts real awkwardly in a way that jeopardizes his life.  We must make a distinction between side effects such as infections, soar throat, fever, itches and severe road accident. We shall bypass moderate symptoms and move forward till they disappear on their own. In case severe symptoms appear it is advisable to examine how essential the change is for realizing the person’s identity. We might even want to give up the change. In other words, we might prefer that the person remains where he is, safe and sound, to a situation that he keeps changing while jeopardizing his health and his life.

It should be noted that when the rejections are directed towards the guide and the client is not able to bypass them, he might neutralize the accompaniment of the guide who tries to help him to bypass the means of the rejection and to mediate between him and the opportunity to change.

Thus, a crude rejection is whatever a person puts between himself and the relevant stimulus. In  therapeutic culture, it seems that people deal with irrelevant things, namely, “problems”, and get stuck in the same place.  In scholastic culture, we refer to symptoms as side effects, which are predictable during the first stages of change or the learning process; like warts on hands which are not used to hard work, or excitement on the verge of anxiety in light of an unusual event. In scholastic culture we focus on the relevant stimulus – namely, on whatever promotes us further. Indeed, as aforementioned, if we do not linger on the symptoms, but keep learning and experiencing patiently and gradually, ability increases, the symptoms vanish and instead we experience pleasure originated from realizing our ability. When we obey the symptom and act according to it, it becomes a rejection means; and when we bypass the symptom, focus intensively on the difficult things, and when we are determined to move forwards in spite of the symptoms, ability continues to develop and the symptoms disappear, without having to spend unnecessary energy on them. For instance, if a woman who has intercourse experiences pain during penetration, and her reaction is to obey the pain and prevent it by avoiding sexual intercourse – she adapts a crude rejection means: an illness called “vaginismus”. On the other hand, if she continues to focus on her partner, and goes to bed with him frequently, but does not burden herself with impossible missions all at once, but focuses on caressing, then mutual caressing and adds more and more components to the intimate encounter, the pains might be replaced by enjoyment.

[In parenthesis: The insight described above was the main reason I quitted the heaven of belonging to the prevalent psychology culture. Therapists who spend many hours listening to descriptions of the patient’s symptoms and enable him to describe what he feels and senses over and over again, encourage him to remain with the same means of rejection. When the patient describes his senses of inability time and time again, the same senses are fixated in his brain as an unchangeable fact. That is a terrible missing and it means his potential abilities will not be realized. Even if a certain change is created, it seems that his diagnosis as the one with the problem, limits the potential change. He shall achieve very little, very slowly when he could have achieved much more faster and more easily if only he had been committed to do what he can, instead of what he senses.  Quite a few families came apart with the “help” of professionals who listened emphatically to her descriptions of him and his descriptions of her; listening that supposedly turned the feelings into facts. I do not intend to claim that people must stay together forever. Sometimes couples face unbridgeable gaps, and they are better off with worthier partners. A move that might include significant change, that might even justify the high cost of divorce, but, in most cases, people destroy whatever they have built so far in exchange for much less than what they had. Usually, the woman becomes a single parent with limited connection to men, and the man is back at the meat market of blind dates and partial relationships. I assume people’s emotions are based on their past experiences. People who bother to adapt abilities which they did not have in the past will find out soon enough that they have new feelings that were not felt in the past. Such a person learns how to love things he did not love before, and love less the things he was addicted to in the past since his world is now much wider… But we should not criticize the psychologists who earn their living from people who are willing to pay great sums of money to a person who is willing to listen or willing to pretend he is listening. In Friendship School we shall offer these people to find a listener for free amongst neighbors and friends, and we will listen to them when they have the ability to contribute. If, for instance, a patient is a history expert, we shall listen to him as much as he wants and we shall benefit from it].

Crude rejection severely disrupts learning processes. As long as a person keeps rejecting whatever he is not familiar with, he will not change. He is a learning decliner. Using crude rejection means harms the person’s identity since he becomes much more limited than he could have been. It also harms the person’s reality perception, since reality is perceived only by his judgmental eyes that look at it through a narrow slit and miss the diversified scenery which contains many friendly paths.

As aforementioned, crude rejection means are designated to limit our world and adjust it to the reservoir of existing abilities so that we will not have to learn and change. Thus, we must recruit our full ability and force in the face of this reflex. We must use every sophisticated, cunning tool in order to destroy the crude rejection means or at least to bypass and neutralize it.

Nevertheless, rejection is sometimes caused due to our inability to distinct between the things we really cannot do at a certain point, and the things we can do. How can we make a distinction between inability and the sense of inability? If we wish to find out about our real limitations, we shall ask ourselves whether in the face of a real threat we would avoid the act and say that “it cannot be done”. We cannot possibly add another meter to our height, not even in the face of such a threat; but perhaps we would be able to run faster. In most cases we are not confronted by circumstances which force us to realize our maximal abilities. In order to start a change, we should, therefore, use our imagination – we should imagine a threat over our head, and act. This is, no doubt, the concept which is the most difficult to understand. Friendly attitude towards ourselves and the reality often means seeing reality in a new way we are not used to and to act, from time to time, contrary to the way we sense, feel and think. Obviously, it is not that easy. It is not easy to identify crude rejection, and even if we do identify it, it is not easy to bypass it.

Strict thinking discipline is required in order to realize that in most cases the strong emotional reaction is in fact against strong stimulations. For instance, you cannot stand your spouse not because you think he is no good, but because he is much more than you can love or contain. It is like ultra-orthodox people who react with disgust and hostility to a sexy woman who comes to their neighborhood. If you ask them why they feel this way, they will say that the woman is despicable… but people with wider scenery sight would easily notice that religious people who watch TV, go to the beach in the summer, watch movies and read books besides the Holy Scriptures do not respond with a sense of rejection. On the contrary, they would feel aroused. The first group is not even allowed to have emotions which are perceived as forbidden.

Similarly, a mother who explodes by the fact that her daughter sleeps peacefully at noon is actually aroused, or “jealous” of her daughter’s ability to idle while she is forced to clean, tidy and work as hard as an ant. If, for example she takes a crash course in “idleness”, she will not feel the same towards her daughter…

An additional comment, or even a clarification regarding the intensity of the violent reaction: an interesting point – why do the Orthodox hate the Reformists more than they hate the Gentiles? Since the Gentiles do not constitute a stimulus or a threat for that matter as a monkey on a tree does not encourage you to be like it… However, a friend at the Yeshiva becomes more and more secular, he triggers much rejection and hostility since he constitutes a stimulation. His friends face someone who allows himself something they prevent from themselves – freedom. It is not easy for them to be around someone who used to be like them and is able to free himself from the fear of God. Similarly, a person who shows signs of becoming a believer, will cause some of his friends to react with disgust, contempt and assault. Those who react this way probably wish they could also rest from the burden of freedom and the need to constantly choose and decide and become part of a culture that contains much more exclamation marks than question marks…

Here, as far as I know, lays the insight regarding the cause of violent reactions in society. I prefer this insight since it leads to friendly solutions. Not moral education but a commitment of the educational system to teach abilities necessary for living with people who are different from us.

Is everybody who wishes to leave his spouse reacts with crude rejection? Not necessarily. So how can we make the distinction between crude rejection and friendly and free choice?

This is an open-ended question. One clear sign is the intensity of hatred. A woman who wishes to divorce her husband because she no longer benefits from the relationship, because the gaps are increasing and she does not enjoy the relationship anymore; but does not hate her husband – it may be an example of free choice. Another clear sign is: a person refuses an offer because he has something better may be an example of screening. The waiving is the result of selecting a different option. For example, when a pupil enters the fifth grade, he no longer studies in the fourth grade. But when someone who does not have a girlfriend rejects the opportunity to meet a girl, it is considered a crude rejection and it does not matter how he convinced himself that he is better off not meeting her. Another example is an unemployed person who refuses to work because the salary is not high enough. He remains unemployed and weakens himself. In the future he will have to make extra efforts in order to rejoin the labor market. It is better for him to accept the job, and in the future, when he finds a more interesting and rewarding job, he will be able to quit the previous one.

Ability, and only ability grants the right to choose. When a person is capable of A and is also capable of B, the word “preference” might mean something, when he prefers something to the other. When a person lacks ability – he cannot possibly prefer or choose.

Culture Pocket

People who choose to belong to a group which separates itself from the rest of the world and live in a kind of social ghetto characterized by a certain culture.

There are many different examples of culture pockets: a homogeneous religious group, which separates itself from the rest of society, such as a mystic cult, an Indian ashram or ultra-orthodox Jews who only concentrate on learning the Torah in a closed environment; immigrants who live in a community whose members come only from a certain country and do not learn the language or culture of the new country; career people who devote all their time to their work; people who suffer from chronic depression and are shut in their house; criminals who feel more at home in prison than in their own house.

Children who are born into a culture pocket are shaped in the spirit of their limited environment. The people who have interests in this culture pocket hope that since the children are never exposed to the rest of the world, they will reject everything which does not suit their culture even when they are grown-ups.

In trampled culture, an encounter of two culture pockets creates negative conflicts that sometimes become violent; in scholastic culture encounters broaden the horizons of the members of the two groups and enrich them. Thus, for instance, we shall observe with pleasure and interest an ultra-orthodox, Moroccan, Russian or secular wedding.

See: “Blocking”.