Blocking

Sealing of the brain which eliminates curiosity and ability to choose and promotes a totally predictable, predefined way of life. 

Being born in the right place at the right time is a matter of luck. In the past, when society was more traditional and closed the identity of most people was shaped in advanced: they were born, as blocked people, into a very narrow world and spent their entire life there. That used to be the common social reality. Since the world was sparsely populated and transportation and communication means were limited, the contact with other cultures was minimal. Most people never left their village and had the same occupation throughout their lifetime; they acted as if the world outside their world did not exist.

Blockings can also be created nowadays by a person who lives amongst us but for some reason is unable to enjoy his life. He is tensed, exhausted and suffering so he decides to minimize his world awkwardly and retires to an island of rest from the burden of life. In most cases he shall choose to join one of the already existing culture pockets or to create a minimized world for himself. Such a person behaves as if he is not surrounded by a world full of stimulations. He does not sense, he does not feel, does not want or need anything else. Where there is no desire – there is no pain. When there are not any stimulations, there are not any symptoms. He lives in a type of dungeon and does not need anything. In most cases he lives in total solitary or close to people who live like him, in the same minimized world; people who do not “threaten” to expose him to the things he is unable to contain.

Such a person usually feels well since there is no gap between his capabilities and the contents of his world. He does not have the will to experience and broaden his world. As time passes by, the huge gap that has been created between him and people of other culture serves as an efficient, protective wall. The effort required for bridging the gaps is so enormous that he prefers to remain at the same, familiar place.

Thus, a blocking is a cultural event related to the brain. There are many examples of these culture pockets: a homogeneous religious group that dissociates itself from the rest of society such as a mystic cult or an Indian ashram; new immigrants who live in a community of people from the same country and do not learn the new language or the new culture; ultra-orthodox Jews who devote all their time to learning the Torah in a secluded society; Obedient followers of a certain political party; people who devote all their time to their work; people who suffer from chronic depression, old people in a parents home and so forth. When a blocking exists the person controls his world; in fact, he recycles himself fanatically. He is free from the dynamics of the constant friction with a cultural society full of stimulations which is ever-changing and requires constant learning.

Blocking can serve as a successful solution to people who feel good and protected in a limiting setting. But – and here is the weak point of blocking – the solution is successful as long as the person does not feel the urge to get out of the box, and as long as stimulations do not invade it. Such a person perceives all types of change as negative; changes make him suffer and lead to extremely awkward reactions. He must react with crude rejection. As our eyes respond to a grain of sand.

The most difficult position is the position of people who have “fell between two stools”. For instance, someone who has left the convenient religious pocket but does not allow himself to enjoy the secular freedom. He is in no man’s land: he does not feel well here, and does not feel well there. Or someone who decides to narrow down his world but has not created an efficient partitioning between himself and the world around him. Let’s take for example a woman who decides to live on her own without roommates or male friends. All she wants is to study… But she lives in the big city and the sounds of life around her ring out. From time to time she experiences pockets of silence, when she shuts herself in her room, reading a book. But when she goes out of the apartment she is surrounded by hugging couples. She then finds out that a schoolmate of hers got married, that another friend of hers had a baby… she finds it unbearable. Surely it is easier to be a secluded nun on a top of a mountain or to live with other nuns at the monastery.

Thus, an awkward minimization of one’s world also requires some efforts in order to be successful. And it gets more and more difficult as time goes by, population grows and contact with the rest of the world becomes inevitable. The media which is everywhere – from newspapers and TV to internet and cellular phones – makes it difficult to create a blocked ghetto.

Brain

The most important and missed organ of human beings.   

Our attitude towards our eyes, the organs of sight, is much better than our attitude towards our brain. We do everything we can possibly do in order to see well, we notice when our sight is faulty and we use eye glasses in order to make it better. But only a few people bother to nurture their organ of thinking and identity and improve its ability as much as possible. The situation is grave since many people believe their brain functions perfectly. Not even a single section in their brain examines their way of thinking even when it leads them to faulty considerations and even when they make the same mistakes over and over again. They let their brain function like other internal organs such as the spleen or the pancreas and invest in their body but never in their brain. Some boast of numerous sensitivities and allergies and remove allergenic substances from their surroundings so that they will not get a rash, or snuffles or skin irritation God forbid! But they do not have mercy on their brain. They burden it with drugs, alcohol, and perhaps, worst of all, flood it with perfect nonsense and silly superstitions. So that every so often a thinking person sticks out as a lighthouse in a sea of fools.

Developing the brain means developing friendly thinking as a navigator. Some people believe that the brain is separated from the emotions or the soul, and that the development of the brain promotes only the brain. In fact, the real separation is between the feelings and thoughts of a person who remains in kindergarten and a person who grows and develops. The brain is also an organ of emotions so its nurturing through sharpening the tools of thinking, concentration and attention enriches the emotional life as well. Nevertheless, our orientation through our senses and emotions is very problematic. It is true that our brain knows how to understand information that contradicts our direct senses. For instance, we see that the sun revolves around earth, but most of us know today that it is not so and that earth revolves around the sun. A naked eye cannot see bacterium, but we know they exist. (It should be mentioned though that these discoveries were not accepted easily and willingly. Some scientists even lost their lives while struggling with swarms of raging people who believed blindly in the Holy Scriptures, religious scholars and illiterate crowds).

But, in general, most people are still convinced that their emotions reflect reality. In most cases it is not so. For example, mourning for many years over the loss of a dear one does not necessarily reflect deep feelings or great love. On the contrary, it is a testimony to shabby feelings. A person who is rich in feelings shall mourn his loss for a while, for instance, a bereaved father mourns the death of his son for a while and then he is excited again about his other children and not so excited about the loss of that child. A woman who keeps mourning the death of her father instead of channeling her love towards her spouse and her children is in fact crudely rejecting the relevant elements in her life through mourning. Approaches that stand for mourning processing and support groups for terror victims, second and third generation of holocaust survivors and the likes seem unfriendly to me since they turn the mourning into a routine pastime.

In Friendship School we make a clear distinction between events and habits, language and pastime. The event is accompanied by a traumatic experience and we offer first aid by all means. But before the person becomes an addict we try to move on. A person should be cautious about an addiction to suffering as he is cautious about an addiction to morphine.

See: “Friendly Thinking”.

Brain Meetings

The two or three first meetings between the client and myself in which we pinpoint the current position of the client and discuss the things he should do in order to promote himself.

During  these meetings the guide is supposed to study the clients and especially to study what they have gained so far, what brings them to the Friendship School and what they should acquire in the process. The client is supposed to learn the language of friendly thinking, to sharpen his brain and to create tools which will be useful for shaping his identity or changing his previous one.

People who are used to sessions with an attentive therapist, sometimes find it difficult to get used to a more active style. In my books I refer to such a person as “therapy damaged”. It takes time until he understands that the homework is there for his sake and not for the therapist’s sake. In the past he was encouraged to talk about his feelings to his wife or other present or past relatives. It took a long time and his money contributed a great deal to the clinical therapist’s bank account. The homework might impose a burden on the client and irritate him, but it is highly efficient and promotes him. From time to time someone stands up and walks away during the very first meeting. People ask me why I burden the applicants with homework. A person who finds it difficult to do relatively simple homework, should not be misled into thinking that he is about to make much more complex, complicated changes.

In general, I try to schedule the brain meetings so that one meeting follows the previous one and there are no long time gaps between them in order to create a mass of impact in the direction of change. Later, once change is produced, the meetings can be either reduced or stopped altogether. The whole process can be quick and amazingly efficient.

Sometimes I give the applicants a handout which says:

In Friendship School you start a process of learning, enrichment, counseling and guidance. You will go through experiences which are a sort of “homework”. This is clearly not a clinical psychological therapy. Here you cannot be a patient. You come here in order to sharpen your thinking tools and learn how to produce changes which will be beneficial in numerous areas of life.

Producing a change is not the result of constant dwelling on the problems, but of adding abilities which we will select together.

I must make an apology. A person who gets here by accident and is not familiar with friendly thinking , or has not read my books before, will probably experience considerable difficulty. He is expected to come across things which contradict the things he has known for ages. He might get upset and annoyed.  Someone else might get hurt although my intention is not to hurt but to trigger thought.

In Friendship School, contrary to traditional psychology, we do not deal with detailed descriptions of feelings and emotions. Instead, we suggest referring to the things that the client has done so far or is still doing. The language of facts is much more reliable and accurate than opinions and judgments. It is worthwhile to learn how to scan the scenery we are constantly exposed to and to discover that we are capable of adding more and more abilities to our reservoir.

This type of learning grants us the ability to choose.

I am convinced that adequate reference to people requires thinking tools which are different from the popular ones.

You should be very patient with yourselves until you are able acquire more sophisticated and creative tools.

You shall find out that you do not come only “to pour out your troubles” and talk non-stop. You can do that free of charge with your neighbor. You come in order to hear and listen as well. Moreover, you shall find out that at first the talks sound as if the subjects are changed arbitrarily. At first it makes it difficult to concentrate since most people are used to rational, organized thinking and to forming preconceptions which prevent them from seeing most of the scenery. We shall try to train you to scan a broad scenery without forcing arbitrary organization.

In addition to the meetings, it is recommended to read Rafi Yaakobby’s books and the friendly lexicon which can be found at the archives of the Friendship School site.

If you do not understand something – ask! If you have comments or complaints – react! Where? During sessions or by email. Moreover, you can use the questions section on the internet site.

Bypass

A course in which we bypass the SYMPTOM or the “problematic” element, force ourselves to do what we can and move determinedly towards a friendly goal.

This term refers to the practical aspect of producing change. A person who is interested in change is required to make a crucial decision and choose one of two approaches. The common, most popular approach is that of the therapeutic culture – namely the medical, psychological and psychiatric culture: a problem is diagnosed, and taken care of. According to this order; the problem must be fixed first and only afterwards it is possible to move on. Huge efforts are made during therapy which is dedicated to crude rejections means, namely, to dealing with “problems”.

Most people truly believe that as long as they do not overcome anxiety, sorrow or suffering – it is not possible to move on. They believe that after they finish taking care of all of their problems, a day shall come and everything will be good. Sometimes, a person who tries to find another channel for finding solutions is considered a coward who runs away from his problems. As far as I am concerned, this is how we become enslaved by a damaging occupation which is totally unfriendly. I truly believe that a person who is treated by a doctor, namely an officer of medicine, is bound to become sicker and sicker; a person who is treated by a psychologist who diagnoses and catalogs people and encourages them to speak about their problems is bound to become a patient who suffers from cerebral and identity damage. “I am like that!” in the sense that I cannot be changed and if such a person tries to change he shall content himself with little, as a person who has been diagnosed as a retard is contented with understanding first grade arithmetic…  Indeed it is possible that his suffering and pains disappear as time goes by and it is good enough for him. It is enough for him. He does not expect to feel real good or happy.

But, in most cases, people who are used to live their lives that way, keep feeling the things they are used to feel, namely, they will replace one pain with another or one problem with other problems.

Most therapeutic approaches are terribly narrow-minded since the therapists ignore two important facts. First, their patient is much more capable than they describe and they do not use all his abilities. Secondly, reality is so diverse and colorful and still they do not bother to study it and find more creative solutions for their patients.

The second approach is the approach of the scholastic culture. This approach stands for bypasses. When we use a bypass we bypass the symptom or the “problematic” element and move determinedly forward towards a friendly goal while making efforts and concentrating. And to everybody’s bewilderment, in most cases the symptom disappears. The new experience, which develops ability, replaces the symptom; enjoyment replaces fear.

Let’s take for example an artist who wants to perform for a live audience, but suffers from stage fear and refers to psychological therapy. If he finds a nice psychologist, he will feel relaxed and secured during the sessions but he will still feel terrible before going on stage. On the other hand, if he forces himself to perform time and time again for anybody who is willing to watch him, and gradually expands his audience, he shall learn eventually to enjoy performing for people. It is not enough to know how to sing and play; one should also have the ability to refer to other people, to perform for them, to serve them and to provide enjoyment. A persistent person will find out that the initial anxiety is replaced by a sense of pleasant excitement before going on stage. When such a person becomes a professional he shall find out that he is at his best in front of an audience.

Another example is a case in which change is achieved by acting against our current feelings. A motorcycle rider who experienced a road accident attempts to ride his motorcycle again. He drives slowly with his eyes almost shut and his body shivers from anxiety. He believes that if he surrenders to anxiety it shall make him give in the riding. He decides to resist his instincts, rides to the highway, turns the gas handle and reaches a speed of 120 kilometer per hour. A minute later, anxiety becomes almost unbearable, and then, all of the sudden, it is gone.

Another person feels that he is scared of walking by the cemetery alone at night. He decides that he is not going to be intimidated by ghosts and demons. He walks into a cemetery alone in the middle of the night, smokes a cigarette on one of the gravestones, pees just to spite and leaves. Another fear is knocked-out.

Another example: in therapeutic culture a person wakes up in the morning, attentive to his feelings, and feels a profound distress on the verge of minor depression. He does not feel like going out of bed and his thoughts are focused on the gloomy feelings. Injustice, insults, angers, deprivation, worries that are always there. Until noontime he becomes heavier and by evening he is totally depressed. In scholastic culture we do not obey these kinds of feelings. True, I do not expect a person who feels bad to wake up enthusiastically, but I surely expect him to do a more friendly deed and not to lie still and wait for his feelings to go away. A person is capable of concentrating real hard and finding something he is capable of doing, something more worthwhile than lying in bed. He could go to the beach, or trim bushes, or dig or do anything else which is simple and available. He shall find out that perhaps it did not make him a happy person, but he certainly feels better than he felt when he woke up. And from this point, it is easier to move forward and add more and more activities that encourage him until he gets back to his old self. We bypass the feeling and instead of dwelling on it, we focus on other things.

If he keeps shaping his days he shall start enjoying the things he does – enjoying his life in general and only a major disaster might cause him to suffer for a while.

The friendly “working instrument” is designing time. What can be done and what should be done. Not just to kill time but to combine fascinating activities in our daily routine. In Friendship School this approach is highly successful. It is especially efficient for people who are addicted to things they consider unfriendly but find it hard to get rid of. For instance, kicking the habit of heavy eating. The common approach is that a diet is needed. It is not that difficult to lose some kilograms, even many kilograms, but it is difficult to change one’s eating habits and keeping one’s weight for long periods of time. Most people who went on a diet eventually go back to their old eating habits. In such cases, I do not believe in self-restraint. It only increases the awareness of food and the person remains occupied with the subject instead of minimizing its importance. Moreover, people tend to rebel when they need to give in something they are addicted to and it might even cause them to become more addictive. Self-restraint may turn to an outbreak of eating mania. Thus, I suggest a bypass – filling the time with interesting, fascinating activities and by doing so developing gratifications that compete with the immediate gratifications derived from food. In other words, through the bypass we no longer deal with self-restraint and prevention of joy, but we move forward towards more sophisticated enjoyments. In such a case the ending of the addiction is the by-product of discovering a better ability. For instance, a person who has learnt to play bridge shall find out that he is no longer addicted to poker and he did not even have to restrain himself. In fact, he will discover that he enjoys bridge better and even becomes addicted to this new game…

In case of a heavy addiction, another, not negative, addiction should be developed. For instance, exercising a lot on a daily basis until it becomes an addiction. Then we have a tool that can defeat another heavy addiction such as addiction to drugs or alcohol. If you play bridge all the time, until you become addicted to it, you can easily defeat an addiction to gambling.

There is another course for bypassing symptoms. Making a distinction between being alone and not being alone. Dwelling on the symptoms is something you do alone. But when you are not alone, there is a factor that forces you to focus on it. For example, a little boy, an important client or an audience you are supposed to entertain keep you company. When you are focused on referring to other people you forget about yourself and rest from your symptoms. In my case, for example, meeting a client makes me forget hunger, thirst and various pains as if the world does not exist and I do not exist.

(A comment regarding common approaches in culture that have varied titles: New Age, Mysticism, The Secret and the likes: if you really intend to, believe and desire something… it will eventually happen. I find these approaches captivating since they provide an illusion that there is no need to make changes in reality, and that a certain ritual activity, such as prayer, is sufficient…and can replace the hard work of developing abilities. I have examined many approaches and found out that producing ability provides a reliable solution and that is the reason I recommend it. The realistic approach also contains elements which are easy to achieve and one should start with them. Taking a motorcycle riding lesson, juggling three oranges, playing the harmonica etc. We can not run away from long-term investments if we want to learn how to play the violin or the profession of medicine…).

See: “Management”, “Production”.