Days’ content

Everything we do during the day.

The Days’ content is a working tool. In order to know the kind of homework we should do, we must be aware of the way we build our schedule. In is not about planning one, special day, but a consecutive series of days, including weekends. The days’ content includes the activities we do during the day and the people we spend our time with. When we look at the day that has passed, we should examine to what extent we did what is appropriate for us or how much of our time was devoted to unnecessary activities. Who are the people who contribute to us and who are the people who just waste our time? Do we pass the time passively waiting for events to take place, or are we in control of our time? It is important for us to know that we are the designers of our days’ content  and we are able to change it. Some people invest only in a single domain at a given period since they believe that they should not overburden themselves. That is a common mistake. “First I finish my studies and then I will start to work, and only when I have enough time and money I shall start a family”.

This kind of thinking leads the person to build a narrow, thin identity and he shall not achieve much, if at all. In Friendship School we shall impose more burdens in order to build the skills that enable a student to study, work in temporary jobs, develop relationship etc. As the skills further develop the person is able to contain more .

You can imagine a timetable, similar to what you had in school, but instead of English, literature and arithmetic, we plant the subjects which are relevant to a student in Friendship School.

This is a personal timetable. It includes work, studies, relationship, parenthood, hobbies and anything else we agree on.

The days’ content is a tool which enables us to learn about ourselves and from time to time to do a kind of bookkeeping or learn lessons that will be applied afterwards. Designing the next days is a great tool for shaping our identity and start up productions which improve our self-expression and our satisfaction with our life.

See: “Management”, “Production”, “Homework”.

Dealing with “Problems”

What can be done after you have established an identity of a person with a problem?

Don’t be wise after the event…

Most problems are easily avoidable through friendly growth and educational processes. We should adapt a culture that nourishes ability and does not castrate and oppress. For instance, we should first let a child experience preparing a salad and only afterwards, when his ability is improved, we should teach him how to tidy up the mess in the kitchen. In a culture that takes the child into account the parents do not quarrel or swear in front of the child and at the same time this type of culture nourishes the child’s ability to be considerate towards others.

The most important thing is to avoid diagnostic processes of children as these might be lethal. In these diagnostic processes every insignificant symptom is granted a title. “Lack of coordination”, “Violent”, “ADHD” and so forth. It is easier to produce change before attaching the awkward derogatory nickname. Obviously, in order to be born in a friendly environment one should be lucky and not all of us are. Thus, we should adapt tools which will help us to bypass problems and blockings and develop our identity.

Let’s discuss a common diagnosis such as:

“Low Self Image”

I put the title in inverted commas since I do not agree to define a person according to such a judgment. When this judgment is repeated over and over again it becomes a fact and not merely an assessment. As no-one expects a tree to start walking, as a result of the judgmental facts, no one expects a change. That is what I call “brain damage”.

Positive judgments are usually awkward as well. One should make an effort and be accurate when referring to abilities. “He is a genius” is a common judgment amongst mothers. In most cases it is means that the child has certain high-quality ability and that the mother is short-sighted. Leonardo da Vinci might have been a genius. How many are like him? “My wife is a superb cook” (this is usually a spouse’s enthusiastic assessment alongside common assessments such as “does not do anything” if the wife is a housewife). Well, that might be a pretty accurate assessment, when referring to a professional chef who spends most of her time cooking. “My wife baked a cake” – is a fact. “My wife cooks a lot” – is also a fact if she spends much of her time cooking and so forth.

If so, discussing low self image, detailed descriptions of the sense of humiliation and descriptions of castrating experiences do not contribute to change. They spread within the soul as a plague and infect domains of abilities with a sense of helplessness.  Moreover, dwelling on past and searching for the origin of our tendency to undermine ourselves do not add confidence at all. How important is the fact that our mother undermined our father in the distant past or that we have been oppresses and castrated? Now, when you are a grownup, no-one can influence you that way. If you feel today the same as you felt as a little child it means you have repressed your ability to grow and develop. On the other hand, when we invest in learning and experiencing, our ability develops and we become experts. We would probably feel confident in the specific domain we have chosen. Our fingers flutter on the piano keys and we do not need to look at the notes; we know for certain who wrote War and Peace; we are able to fix electrical appliances at home… More action, less talk. Emotions shall not change unless real action takes place.

People who have specialized in a single field would feel confident in this narrow domain, but beyond it they would feel a lack of confidence and deep perplexity. On the other hand, people who constantly promote numerous abilities in various domains shall find out soon enough that they become confident, almost arrogant. Realizing they have the ability to learn becomes a major part of their identity. Every additional proficiency contributes to our confidence as long as the new ability was not programmed in us in the past. A person who knows how to read and reads another book does not surprise anyone, but when a person who is afraid of water learns to swim it means that he has experienced the ability to learn that can also be reflected in learning how to juggle balls, ride a bicycle hands-free, ride a rollercoaster and the likes…

Soon he realizes that once he is committed to a new domain, makes efforts and invest resources, he shall become an expert in this new field as well. Meeting capable people who once made him feel pitiable and castrated in comparison, shall become an interesting stimulation.  A stimulation to nurture more and more capabilities.

Obviously, my description of the contents of one of the common symptoms which become an awkward diagnosis is random.  I could have chosen to write in detail about anxiety, guilt depression and so forth. Instead of referring to the symptoms, we should refer to people’s abilities which can serve as the basis for change. Let us examine another example, “depression”.  First we should examine the things that the person does on a daily basis. Let’s take for example a young man who does not have a female friend or regular sex life. A person who neglects such an important area cannot possibly feel good about himself. Even if we presume he has a reason to do so – his lover has abandoned him – it is obvious that as he dwells on the abandonment and the pain, he becomes more and more addicted to depression. Indeed, many people waste years doing just that. In friendly thinking the main reason for depression is that a person allows himself not to do what he is capable of doing. Each one of us must express his abilities. The deserted young man must force himself to relate to one of the other women who are available and he shall not suffer longer. If he is so “heavy” and he finds it difficult to entertain a female friend, he should experience another positive immediate relief such as sports. By doing so he shall experience a movement forward and can use this improvement to pursue more significant productions.

Sometimes, when people do not succeed in producing such friendly actions, it is possible to take antidepressant medication for a while in order to be able to go back to the appropriate activities.

“Quarrels”

A common rejection means amongst people who have not succeeded in finding something more interesting to do together. They are not able to contain each other and they need a rest from each other. The quarrel serves as an awkward break from couplehood. They do not know how to rest from each other through more sophisticated, civilized means. For instance, the man is resting in one room and the woman is reading in another. Indeed, they are not spending time together, but they are not spending their time quarreling. From this point it is very easy to start enjoying each other, while people who are used to quarrels spend a great deal of energy on forbearance and reconciliation before they can do pleasant things together.

I refer to quarrels as a cultural disability. When people allow themselves to spend time together without taking into account the fact that they are not alone they allow themselves to burden other people, for instance, when a person picks his nose during a family dinner.

When two spouses are interested in making a change and cooperate, it is easy to produce it. First, we do not dwell on the contents of the quarrels since it would further enforce the fixation. For a period of a few weeks they are not allowed to be with each other without planning the time in advanced. Since at the beginning they are not capable of loving each other and enjoying each other, the proximity and friction constitute a negative stimulation and a quarrel breaks out. Later, their mutual fields of interest expand until the entertaining quality becomes better. At this point, in most cases when people are able to choose between an appropriate pastime and a quarrel, they prefer the pastime. Obviously, part of their homework is to work out a lot, together if possible, and in addition to add another position or two to their sex life.

It is more complicated to produce change when only one of the spouses makes an effort. This spouse must break off contact as long as the relationship remains negative. He is making a declaration that it is not possible to be with him and be unpleasant at the same time.

Sometimes, it suffices to make the change. But, sometimes the other spouse enjoys the estrangement. The dosage of togetherness suits his limitations. In this case, I shall recommend the capable spouse to make up for the lack by finding a friendly connection outside of the relationship…

Delinquency

A person who is willing to deviate from the norm into places that are rejected by public opinion.

This term does not refer to unfriendly delinquency which is punishable by the state, but to actions that the delinquent could not even imagine himself doing prior to the change.

Delinquency is important. When we want to change we must be aware of the fact that change would make other people, especially from the group we were used to be part of, to perceive us as “wrong”. Thus, we should develop our skill of being delinquent and overpower numerous prohibitions which were part of our education. It is important to note that the term “delinquency” is meaningful only in the social context which it belongs to. For instance, driving a car on Saturday is considered a felony in a Jewish religious community.

“A delinquency course” is especially essential for people who suffer from feelings of guilt and whose inhibitions prevent them from achieving desirable goals. They are not blocked to the extent that they do not have desires, on the contrary, they know what they want very well but their brain is controlled by stern disciplinary processes. The course is also essential for good, well-bred people, in the negative sense of the word, namely, people who are obedient, content themselves with little, and accept their destiny. These people are not equipped with tools that enable change. Thus, they must first complete a sort of preparatory course that includes acts which contradict their initial programming.

For instance, an aging bachelor really wants to find a spouse and start a family. It is not such a difficult task. He starts dating women from his social circle or dates available women who are part of the Friendship School. However, during weekdays he works at a bakery mostly during evenings and nights. It was not so bad if he could at least compensate for that during the weekends. But lately he has started to keep the Sabbath. So that it is impossible to assist him with all the limitations he puts upon himself. He must either make troubles at work or agree to violate the Sabbath.

Another example is of a mother who wants to go out instead of preparing a meal for her adolescent children. She finds it very difficult to do something which contradicts the behavior she perceives as suitable for a mother. Another mother has a son who yells at her and kicks her from time to time and she finds it difficult to react. An hour after the outbreak she even buys him ice-cream on demand. A demand, not a request. I tell her: “Leave him with his grandmother for an hour and take a break”. She says: “No, no I can’t do that; he will have separation anxiety, it will damage his soul”. It will damage him much more if he grows up knowing that he can hit whenever someone irritates him and it might even cause him to get entangled with the law… But the mother is limited to act according the motherhood program in her brain. If she does not take the preparatory course in delinquency she will be no good when it comes to educating her son…

Depression

Common, addictive pastime.

See: “Dealing with Problems”.

Developing / Developmental Bug

Some refer to it as behavior pattern.

In order to identify a bug in the development one should scan a wide scenery which includes various states of aggregation and the person’s abilities. An example of a severe bug is found in a person who is an adult but act childishly. A person who still lives with his parents, does not work, does not study etc.

In most cases we shall identify the bug in a person who has developed in certain channels quite impressively, and one particular channel is neglected. For instance, a single woman who has never had a spouse. She is forty years old and claims she is eager to start a family etc… She is an attractive woman and has magnificent abilities. If she believes that the problem is that she has only met defected men so far , we have a problem. She must realize that if she has come so far without a spouse, it is not because there are not any men worthy of companionship , but because for some reason she does not know how to be a companion. Her bug is reflected in her choice of men with whom nothing can be developed and in the fact that she runs away from worthy men who want her…This is an active act which is meant to make sure that a stable, lasting relationship would never develop… She chooses men who fit her limited ability, men who are on the same pager, who, like herself,  have repeated the school year time and time again… Surely, there are other men out there; men with first rate relationship abilities, but she does not find them interesting enough or they recognize her limited abilities and disqualify her as a partner. .. If she identifies a bug, she must do her homework – date men whom she does not like at first and learn how to derive pleasure, interest and satisfaction from them. Totally “arbitrary” homework. In other words, not doing what she likes to do. Exactly as she would be forced to drive on the left side of the road if she were in London. Regardless of her habits and convenience.

I try to help my clients avoid paying tens of thousands of dollars and a few years of nosy search in their past and recollection of all their experiences so far as is done according to the customary therapeutic model which is based on the assumption that  the cause of the problem should be discovered and analyzed. As if knowing the reason will help them find a solution and produce change. I know for a fact that it does not contribute to change. On the contrary, in most cases the focus remains on the problem and it becomes fixated.

I am happy enough when the clients recognize a certain bug in their growth mechanism and are willing from that point on to work in order to produce change. It requires a certain amount of reviewing their own scenery throughout the years  in order to identify repetitive patterns…

The bug is not diagnosed only by the fact that an individual has stopped doing something. For instance, stopped going to university, stopped painting or riding his bike. We must review what he was doing at that time. For example, learnt how to drive a car and even bought one. In this case he upgraded himself from a biker to a driver. His identity has changed. In the future he may return to his bike, in order to keep in shape or to spend time with his children. This is certainly not a bug. It is advisable to identify when someone is growing and developing, which means he is moving “forward” or “upward”, from the less to the more, and when he is moving “sideways” or “backwards”, from the more to the less.

Moreover, it should be noted that there are many channels of growth and development. A very young man who has not grown,  build an identity as a spouse and has not started a family could become a skilled commander who is responsible for his soldiers. He will be the leader and the father in his unit.

In a scholastic culture, when there is no developmental bug,  a constant leakage is possible. A leakage from one domain into other domains. Abilities which are channeled into all kinds of directions and possibilities. For instance, Experience based on raising children could easily be channeled into command responsibility or management of employees.

It does not always develop linearly.  Sometimes there is skipping. For example, someone learns to be a mother and only afterwards becomes a spouse.

See “Causality”.