Language of Communication
All the verbal and behavioral thinking and expression tools at our disposal through which we express ourselves.
This language of communication is also the manner in which we perceive reality, decode it, and grant meaning to it. There are many different types of communication languages.
Mother Tongue: Our first language of communication is totally accidental. Nobody chooses his biological parents or the place in which he is born. Thus the English learns English, and the Chinese learns Chinese whether they like it or not.
The Language of Culture: The set of values and symbols which is at the basis of our behavior. We learn to pronounce sounds the same way we learn to love, hate, sense, think and evaluate in accordance with the culture we live in. From the period of childhood on, we learn to like a certain pop-star and to hate oriental music, to believe in the Torah and to hate Arabs, to judge what is pretty and what is ugly, etc.
In most cases, during normal developmental process we are exposed to additional cultural opportunities and acquire a remarkable ability which enables us to see things from different point of views. People who have developed learning abilities are capable of understanding and accepting people who are different from them alongside people who resemble them. A person who activates his learning ability and learns other languages of culture besides the one he is used to, creates an opportunity for negotiation and a possibility for encounters and change. Such a person does not find it hard to live with people who speak a different language of culture – Arabs, religious people, seculars, Buddhists and so forth. A person who remains with a single language of culture is like a person who stays in kindergarten for decades, refuses to develop and is not even curious to know what other people have. He is like a fish in an aquarium and every change in the water temperature or type of food jeopardizes its existence. He can only live in a single environment and does not enjoy the magnificent human capability of changing and expanding one’s world by studying various languages of communication. Learning means adding something new to yourself; something you have not liked or known previously. Such an addition expands the identity. A person who is limited to a single language of communication is able to communicate only with people who speak that language. This is the reason why singles usually feel good in the company of other singles, homosexuals seek the company of other homosexuals who think and behave like them and religious people prefer praying at a synagogue where everybody knows the same version of prayers.
It is not difficult to make a distinction between an act of thinking and discretion of a person who is willing to learn various languages of communications and a predictable recitation of a person who uses only his familiar language of communication and in spite of the ever-changing reality, his opinion on the reality never changes.
The Language of Love, The Language of Friendship: The manners in which we express love or friendship to the other and the manners in which the other expresses his love or friendship to us.
There are many different languages of love. When we build a relationship with a spouse it is important to know the manners in which the other expresses his love to us and to show the other our expression means. Many mishaps at the beginning of relationships derive from misunderstandings caused by the fact that every person judges the other according to his personal language of love and every person is ignorant when it comes to the many other languages of love. It is true also for the language of friendship; if we wish to create a bond with a different person – we should better learn this person. If we do not know how to study, and the other must always adjust to us, it greatly reduces the chances of creating a successful relationship.
It is such a shame to make do wit our first language of love and be limited to it. In a normal process of growth, people expand their ability to love and be loved. Even if a person is born into a culture in which hugs and caresses are exceptional, he can easily add the missing ability to himself whether by taking private lessons from a friend who likes to hug or by joining a workshop of experimenting touch after which he would be able to hug and caress and be hugged and caressed.
The Language of Complaints: An agreed language between two people who agree not to enjoy each other, to seek each others’ weaknesses, to defend and attack. This is the formal language in the land of guilt and it is extremely widespread. The speakers of this language outnumber the speakers of the Chinese language.
The speakers of this language are convinced they are interested in making a change in their lives, and that if only people listen to their justified complaints, everything will be better. The truth is that they are learning decliners, stuck in one place. They communicate with the environment only in this language. Unfortunately, they have an audience that listens to them and identifies with them. In the audience one may find psychologists who make their living from listening and contribute to a ritual in which every nonsense ostensibly turns into a fact. Thus, the complaints are recorded and perpetuated in the participants’ consciousness.
In practice, the language of complaints is one of the most lethal rejection means. The owner of the complaint always hits something. He abolishes the existing elements through the non-existing ones. Indeed, similar to other languages, as long as two people communicate in the same language, no change is to be expected. The first person who starts speaking in a different language gives change a chance.
The Language of Facts: A language which is based on actions and not on talks, emotions or impressions. In fact, any person, in any encounter on earth, cannot avoid a situation in which his brain is filled with impressions and diagnosis regarding himself and the people around him. However, we must all avoid making a diagnosis or be able to get rid of an impression which was fixated in our brain a long time ago. It is important that we let the facts, and not the words or emotions, speak for themselves. We should see what the person in front of us does and only based on a prolonged observation, make our own diagnosis. Too often there is a significant gap between the things a person tells about himself and the things he does. Sometimes his words are characterized by underestimation and depression while in fact he has managed to do some quite impressive things in his life. Sometime a person speaks of himself as if he were a tiger, while his abilities are extremely limited. Thus, an observation of the things a person does constitutes a more reliable source of friendly negotiations. At our school written homework is very common and so are day’s content, meeting reports etc.
Using the language of facts teaches us to refer to own state of aggregation as well. If we perceive ourselves as liberal parents, for instance, it is time we examine the facts: do we really let our children to do things which do not match our point of view, such as dyeing their hair green?
