Friendship School: The Gist of the Method

I have been a psychologist for many years. I was educated and introduced into the profession as a clinical, psycho-dynamic psychologist. In my continuing efforts to assist my clients, I gradually became aware that the common therapy procedure which is based on diagnosing and then treating problems and symptoms usually turned into a hothouse of frustrating fixations and repetition. Unfortunately, as time passed, I came to the conclusion that, even if people did change during the treatment period, they did it despite the treatment and not as a result of it! In other words, those who started off with fierce, irresistible urge to grow and evolve continued to develop – even if they continued to obey the principles of therapeutic culture, that is to bring up memories, discuss matters they are concerned with and describe their feelings and emotions in minute detail. However, those who started off therapy with a certain developmental difficulty and started discussing their weaknesses and frustration with an attentive, sympathetic therapist, recycled their inhibitions. They tended to define themselves as people who have problems and came up with a variety of insights and reasons that explain and justify the numerous problems and therapy became the center of their world. Moreover, they used the same tools and the same scenery sight to diagnose their friends, their spouses and their children – this is a cultural blow.
Thus, most treatment methods serve the common characteristics in human nature, contribute to the fixation and diminution of people’s world and sabotage the prospect of change. Some methods manage to create an illusion of change.
For the sake of those of you who resent my attacks on their beliefs, I must say that I do not make do with attacks, but I have created a much more efficient method which I must share with you. The method is about acquiring tools for realizing human potential, and tools that enable people to expose themselves to a diversified, ever-changing world, to find their way within it and even influence it.
It is possible that I was one of the first coaches in the world. I have created a new, totally original method, which I called “Friendship School”. The term ‘school’ represents the learning, instead of treating, as a means of producing change. While ‘friendship’ is a profession which one should learn as soon as possible. The profession of friendship is the basis of success in relationships – relationships between spouses, between parents and children, business friendships and friendship between countries. In other words, the method is a type of a world view; it also contributes to a way of thinking which enables us to use our brain in the most effective way.
So far I have published five best sellers: : “How to learn friendship”, “The friendly psychologist”, “Be friends with your children”, “To make a couple” and “friendly change”. All my books are about learning how to think.
The method has proved itself to be remarkably effective and in most cases resulted in changes within short periods of time. It evolved from the rich and varied experience acquired during many years of work and accumulated documented successes.
Indeed, a person who has lived for many years in the non-scholastic culture finds it difficult, at first, to acquire the tools of friendly thinking, precisely as adults usually find it difficult to start learning a new language.
In the traditional therapeutic approach people tend to seek all sorts of symptoms that represent problems. It is called diagnosis. They also try to investigate and understand the reason for the formation of the problem and then to treat it. According to the traditional order, we must, first of all, indicate the problem, then understand its sources, and finally solve it – only then we can move on. However, by doing so, we waste tremendous efforts which cause damage to the identity: the person perceives himself as one who has problems and needs therapy.
The diagnostic, analytic thinking is great when it comes to electrical appliances or car engines. Identifying the problem and its sources provide the solution. On the other hand, people require a different type of thinking. They require creative and friendly thinking. In Friendship School we are aware of the fact that reality is extremely diversified and varied, so that more creative channels of solutions can be found within it. We sort of bypass the symptom or the so-called problem and determinately move towards a friendly goal. A person who does that soon discovers that the new experience, which develops his ability, replaces the symptom. The things that were difficult become easy. The things that were frightening become enjoyable and so forth.

My Alternative to Diagnosis

I suggest scanning the human scenery and the field of opportunities. First, we refer to the reservoir of abilities which every person owns. That is, we shall examine all the things the person does: starting with work – and ending with hobbies and other daily activities. In addition, we shall refer to the things that person has done so far. In other words, we shall refer to his state of aggregation, to his reservoir of abilities.
More than once, existing elements cover for desirable and possible elements. So it is necessary to view the scope of opportunities the person is exposed to. Obviously, the world is made up from much more opportunities than we can possibly seize. Thus we shall deal with fascinating questions such as what is in the best interests of that person? Which elements are friendly and worthwhile as far as he is concerned? In order to answer these questions we should learn how to filter the opportunities and choose the ones that will enable him maximal expression of his abilities. It is not a choice between good and bad, but a choice between good and better.
The idea behind promoting ability as an alternative to dealing with problems means to channel our energy towards the goal – production of change – in an efficient, economical manner which is based on recruiting all human strengths for learning and practical experiences and not dwelling upon the problems.

Learning as a Means

Change is produced through learning. Learning means not to make do with doing things we are used to do and like to do, but to add things we still do not like until one develops the ability to like and enjoy them. A person who does only the things he likes and is used to tends to recycle himself and remain stuck at the same place. Sometimes such a person moves sideways instead of forward; i.e. starts developing an ability, and then neglects it, starts something new, neglects it too and so forth. Every now and then he feels tired of something he has, and desires something new. On the other hand, a person who is a diligent student shapes his own identity and produces desirable changes. It is not enough to learn how to drive, a person must also get used to driving a car. It is not enough to learn how to play a musical instrument, a person must be persistent. It is not enough to lose weight, a person must keep in shape and maintain his body.

Symptoms

Ancient psychology adapted the medical thinking which focuses on symptoms of diseases as a means to cure patients. In the therapeutic culture people are defined in terms of pathology and illnesses: they are anxious, neurotic, dyslectic and so forth.
In Friendship School we do not focus on the symptoms but on the person’s abilities. We define people according to their profession, their marital status and hobbies. In this method we refer to symptoms as side effects which are typical to new beginnings.
In other words, starting to learn a new ability sometimes involves difficulties and symptoms, but down the road, when the ability is established and joins the other components of identity – the symptoms vanish and are replaced with enjoyment and a sense of fulfillment.
Many people rush into diagnosing themselves according to their immediate, initial sensational response: “It is not for me” – and give up on the change. On the other hand, in the scholastic culture we bypass the symptoms and do the things we can do until change is achieved.

Culture of Diagnosis and Judgment

One can discuss the culture of diagnosis and judgment which accompanies almost all human references endlessly. This phenomenon is so common that most people cannot distinguish the facts from the interpretation. Interpretation is perceived as an irrefutable fact. When people repeat the same judgment time and time again, it is perceived in their brain as a solid fact so that there is almost no chance that additional information will sink in and change their perception.
I see it as brain damage. It is caused as a result of the way our parents and teachers educated us and fed us with judgments instead of providing us with thinking tools to prepare our brain to contain diversified scenery without locking each piece of information in a boundary of prejudice.
This culture causes many obstacles. I shall discuss the main ones:

 

Inability

People who perform diagnosis tent to focus on inabilities. So many people focus on the things they do not (do not know mathematics, do not like children, do not know how to sing etc.) and miss the things they do (do like to read, do know how to cook, do enjoy nature). People always look for weaknesses and failures in themselves and in others. If you check well enough, you shall find endless number of weaknesses in any person. Still, it does not mean you managed to diagnose this person or his identity. It is as if we had looked all over the place and not really at the person himself. Some mistakenly consider it a negative observation or criticism. It is not a negative observation but a lack of observation.

 

The Deterministic Element

Another obstacle is referring to a single element of ability separately from all other abilities. In other words, making a crude generalization – for better or for worse – based on a single element. For instance, a person who excels in one domain perceives himself as excellent in all domains and other people also perceive him as a person whose opinion in all sorts of matters is highly valuable. For example, a singer who is interviewed regarding his political beliefs. A footballer who advertises a dairy product or actors who express their opinion about relationships and parenthood and so forth.
Diagnosis based on symptoms is related to this subject as well. “Dyslectic”, or “hyper-active” define a child’s identity according to a symptom. The therapeutic culture urges us to pay special attention to symptoms. This phenomenon of defining according to symptoms, is so rooted in our culture that we do not even doubt the processes of diagnostic thinking. Parents, teachers, psychologists, psychiatrists and so forth – they all make diagnosis, and most people devote themselves to diagnosis, readily accept the diagnostic verdict and identify with it. So many people introduce themselves to me by saying: “I am dyslectic“, “I am asthmatic” as if these characteristics are written in their I.D. card…

Structure of Personality

Crude diagnosis is the reason for the fact that most people perceive human beings as unchangeable. “A character does not change”, “This is who I am”, “It’s genetic”, “Parents determine our character”, “We have a certain structure of personality” – these are examples of popular, common declarations. Think of the term “Structure of Personality”. It is a psychologist concept which convinces that we have a fixed structure, like buildings.
True, some things are unchangeable and we should not waste our time and energy on them; but we should not miss the things that can be changed. Similarly, a person who believes that parents have a great impact on the development of a person is like a person who repeats the first grade over and over again. Indeed, a person who keeps growing and developing is influenced by his parents to a certain extent, but he also learns from other people along the way and it changes his impressions of previous experiences. It is a pity to give up the chance of shaping your own identity and your own life because of common educational and psychological ignorance. A person who experiences the same things over and over again is not part of the scholastic culture and resembles a goat which grazes in the same pasture time and time again…

Diagnosis based on Sensations

Sensational diagnosis is like shortsightedness. A person knows how he feels and believes that it reflects reality and he has no clue about the real reality. The difference is that the shortsighted knows he does not see well. He finds ways to improve his sight, using glasses, microscope, telescope and the likes. The sensational diagnostician does not attempt to improve his sight and understanding. On the contrary, he determinedly rejects whatever does not fit his sensations.
We learn to sense and to feel, and if you wish, also to think, in the same way we acquire our mother tongue. As for now, we still cannot choose where to be born and what is fed into our brain. Thus, a person who diagnoses reality based on how he feels at a certain moment only reflects the elements he has accumulated so far and misses the opportunity to learn new things. People who say: “It feels right”, or “It feels wrong”, remains with the bunch of old experiences, reaches the same conclusions and make the same judges over and over again.
Thus, therapy based on discussions of feelings, emotions, “what does it do to you” and the likes only encourages people to remain in the same grade and to recycle themselves instead of growing and developing. In my opinion, if a person is disgusted by a certain food, it does not mean that the food is not tasty. In most cases, it is an expression of the person’s rooted habits and his unwillingness to learn and to expand his ability to enjoy new types of foods.
Nevertheless, almost everyone can, with a certain amount of effort, identify within his reservoir of experiences, certain feelings that has changed completely. For instance, a person who once did not like certain type of music, but has learnt, in time, to enjoy it, since he came across an opportunity to change his attitude. In Friendship School we do not sit idly and wait for mere chance to ignite the process of change.
The fact that our emotions and feelings are not necessarily untrue complicates things even further. Thus, in fact, there is no limit to our learning efforts. We must consistently sharpen our learning tools, catch-up, learn our lessons, improve the things that need to be improved and ask ourselves – what should we add to our life so that we will have a relatively reliable tool to find our way in the world. In short, in Friendship School we do not focus on the things a person feels like doing, but rather on the things that are worthwhile for him to do.

Shaping Identity, Change

Dealing with the question – what is in the best interest of a person – is fascinating. It involves getting to know each person and referring to him personally and accurately. Since the things that are important for one person might be completely irrelevant as far as another person is concerned.
The scenery sight of scholastic people does not allow crude diagnosis. A scholastic person knows that he can never see all elements of the scenery. He is constantly on the moves and sees all shades of the scenery according to his personal point of view. He knows his limits and does not assume his judgments are definitively correct. So, instead of locking himself and his environment within a closed pattern, he maintains curious learning channels which enable him to catch-up consistently. Each addition of information changes the previous meanings and interpretations and at the same time changes him.
Change is produced by adding a new ability to the existing reservoir of abilities. It is an addition that changes the identity; Learning to drive, for example, changes a person’s identity from a pedestrian to a driver. Producing the friendly change is done through production and management. Metaphorically speaking, we plant the actions and deeds we consider necessary for producing change in our garden-beds. The question – what should we invest in? – is a personal question. Each person is supposed to realize what is in his best interest and invest in promoting it. So, instead of philosophizing about change, we promote it from day to day. As aforesaid, in Friendship School we bypass the symptom and concentrate all our efforts on promoting the desirable ability which does not necessarily have to be related to the symptom. For instance, the homework given to the spouses who fight endlessly is to learn Salsa and add another position to their sex life. However even if the homework is directly related to the symptom we do not deal with appeasement but on promoting ability. When dealing with examination anxiety, for instance, we shall add mini situations which contain all sorts of constraints to the ability of answering questions at home under optimal conditions. The constraints might range from the need to provide quick answers to the presence of an audience – until the examinee acquires the ability to express his knowledge at stressful times. We shall deal with stage-fright of a person who builds his identity as a singer in a similar manner. Such a person should add to his singing ability the ability of entertaining people. He is supposed to sing for occasional listeners and gradually expand his ability while practicing in front of people whose presence is stressful for him – until he becomes a professional. A similar thing happens when we move from a sexual expression such as masturbation, in which a person spends time with himself, to sexual expression which contains reference to another person.
If someone feels the same things over and over again, unchangingly, for instance, that he is stressed out for the hundredth time, not when he is exposed to something which is completely new, but when dealing with the same things he has experienced numerous times, it means that true learning has not taken place. True learning really changes the way we feel.

An Island of Ability

Learning is not all about homework. The most important element of learning and producing change is not mere doing – but a certain type of concentration on what we do. Just as holding a book and looking at the lines is not exactly reading. What turns it into reading is concentration and the effort to understand the written words.
A comment about concentration: students at the Friendship School do a great deal of homework in order to improve their concentration ability and develop thinking skills. We shall compare it to an ability to control the movement of our head and the look in our eyes. A person whose sight and neck muscles are fine is capable of turning his head freely and stare at whatever he chooses. One can acquire freedom of thinking which enables a person to concentrate on whatever he chooses in a similar way. This ability can be acquired through practice.
In Friendship School we use this ability extensively. What should we concentrate on? This is the crucial element of learning. Most people focus on expected feelings such as anxiety, disgust and difficulty and keep enhancing the old language. Scholastic people refer to the expectable as if it were a distracting noise and actually focus on the growing and developing ability. They concentrate on the flavor of the food and not on the preprogrammed sense of disgust. They focus on the kiss and not on being stressed out from the presence of a woman. They concentrate on the new words added to the new language.
Instead of looking at the sea of inabilities surrounding us we choose to focus on the island of abilities which expands and enhances our identity, shaping it according to our choice.
A person who focuses on the above knows that change is taking place. The scope of change depends on the scope of his investment. This is the most optimistic and friendly fact and this is what I offer my students.
However, this is also the weak point of the method. It is based on a determined scholastic culture. A person who is allowed not to make efforts, not to learn and not to be persistent, will remain the same. The therapist does not have any enforcement tools to enforce change. The high rate of success in friendship school is mainly linked to the fact that I simply dismiss the learning decliners.
Most people prefer a supportive treatment that on the face of which looks as if the person is really doing something in order to change without really leading to a change.

Method’s Applications

There are many different applications. Here are some of them:

 

Singles

Friendship is a profession which is to be acquired. It is an essential ability which is at the basis of success in most areas of life; professional and social ones. This is an “obligatory” subject – since things that are related to people require learning and referring to people, whether it is about spouses, parents and children or business partners.
Some people acquired this profession in their first school – their parents’ home, if they were lucky enough to be raised by people who learnt how to enjoy each other. People who were not that lucky must decide to add to themselves the friendly ability.
Most singles are egocentric. They do not know how to take another person into consideration. Thus, they seek someone who is willing to adapt to their limitations or expectations and their search is fruitless. They give their date a chance only when they sense a certain “click”, or certain “chemistry” on the first date. At any rate, in most cases, the following dates greatly disappoint them. In Friendship School a match between people is the result of a lasting friendship between two people who have become experts in one another. Students conduct a set of guided dates; this is not match making and not a commitment for life – it is simply a commitment to hold a number of meetings in which each person is supposed to be at his best. They do their homework together: she is his homework and he is her homework. Following each meeting, each person writes a report in which he specifies the things he has learnt about the other person and adds recommendations in order to progress even further in the next meetings.
Both people bring with them a package of abilities they have acquired before meeting the new person. A person who knows how to seize an opportunity – relates to the other’s ability and takes even the smallest portion of what is offered by the other person. By doing so he kills two birds with one stroke: he both expands and enriches his own world – by using the things he has learnt from the other person – and also enables himself to enjoy the other person in the sense that he can relate to his interests.
When the two strangers come from the scholastic culture, their relationship develops constantly and becomes more and more interesting and rewarding…
This method is extremely efficient. Sometimes, people who started seeing each other as homework, became a couple that keeps growing. But it does not necessarily have to lead to that; sometimes, after a while people feel that they have nothing else to gain from the relationship and choose to develop further with other partners.
When two people decide to become a couple, it is not merely a matter of living together, but of an identity change. A person who believes he can remain unchanged and at the same time become a friend, a husband or a father is wrong. In order to become a spouse who is also a friend, a person must change, become different from what he has used to be since his identity now contains another person. The place the other person has in his world does not allow him to maintain his previous identity, as one cannot go back to kindergarten after graduating from high-school.
Needless to say that it is not an isolated step, it is a process that is supposed to last. Once we stop learning how to be a couple, we are stuck; as would have happened if we had stopped practicing the piano. In a while, our previous ability would fade away and if we wish to regain this ability, we must start practicing again.

 

Couples

It is not easy to maintain a long-term relationship, especially in a world where social contacts offer a great deal of temptations and opportunities. Nevertheless, many people manage to survive as a couple for many years. The main reason for that is that most spouses make do with belonging to each other. They exist side by side throughout the years just as pieces of furniture are placed side by side.
In other words, it is a connection between two people who are committed to content themselves with little and remain confined within the relationship. From time to time, an “accident” occurs – one of the spouses becomes involved with another person and sometime the unit is broken. A relationship which is not being constantly nurtured, is a neglected relationship which calls for “accidents”. In most cases the accidents are romantic entanglements in the workplace or at circles to which the spouses belong as individuals rather than as a couple.
The notion that once two people get married, they no longer have to court each other is totally wrong. Spouses who do not know to remarry each other and refresh themselves are doomed to failure, or to a limited relationship. Only few people know how to maintain a fascinating relationship with a high entertainment quality, one that is full of satisfaction and mutual expression which develop throughout the years. Such a relationship is very hard to compete with.
It is not easy to produce change in a relationship. The commitment binds each of the spouses to the previous habits. The spouses’ treaty resents the therapist determinedly.
On the other hand, if both spouses belong to the scholastic culture, it is very easy to produce change. For instance, it is much easier to lose weight as a couple. It is much easier to learn something together etc.
There is no point in diagnosing a relationship since traditional psychology is not capable of dealing with such complicated situations which contain so many versions and combinations. Thus, in Friendship School, we do not focus on the things that ostensibly caused a certain problem between the spouses. Moreover, we do not make room for a celebration of complaints and arguments, since by doing so we shall only encourage them to keep using the same language. Instead, we immediately consider the things which are worthwhile for each of the spouses and for both of them together.
If two spouses decide to invest in promoting their relationship, change will be achieved easily: they are both committed to invest in the entertainment quality, using cultural management and sexual refreshing.
By the way, an upgrade of the relationship is also needed when a couple wishes to produce a desirable change in their adolescent children.
If the spouses do not cooperate, the one that agrees to become part of the scholastic culture changes independently. Sometime his change “shakes” the other spouse and the other spouse starts changing as well. Then, if there are still gaps between the spouses, the one who keeps developing has a chance to produce change in the relationship if he overcomes the obstacles. In other words, this spouse should dare to disturb the balance in the relationship and to be considered “wrong”…
For instance, a man becomes depressed after being fired from his job and makes all members of the family adjust to his moods, to the extent that they walk on egg shells in order not to hurt him. His wife gets herself together and goes out without him. Soon she starts living a full, rewarding life: she works, she goes out, she takes care of the children, she does not need his help and she acts as if she were a single mother. Her behavior might “shake” her husband. In this relationship, one of the spouses changed and influences the relationship. If the other spouse changes accordingly, they move on together. If he remains behind, he loses his spouse. The person who produces change is the capable one. I consider this approach a friendly one since it creates change in the sick partner more efficiently than all existing psychological and psychiatric treatments. If the sick partner does not get better, at lest the other members of the family are saved and change their destiny.
By the way. In Friendship School quarrels are considered a popular pastime amongst people who were not smart enough to think of a more interesting pastime. We do not focus on the nature of the quarrels, but on their high frequency. Spouses who know how to have a good time together, prefer to do that rather than to fight each other. The solution to quarrels is two-fold: for change decliners – segregation and minimization of the relationship and for cooperators – expanding their ability to spend time together which expands their ability to enjoy each other and reduces the frequency of quarrels.

 

Friendship with Children

Parenthood has become an impossible profession. Parents are expected to follow endless instructions from medical and psychological “clerks”. Most people believe that the sooner they pay attention to problematic symptoms the better. However, when parents anticipate a child’s failures instead of focusing on his developing abilities, they shape his identity as one who has a problem and damage his development. Young children perceive themselves through the grown-ups. Any kindergarten teacher can send a mother to a set of checkups in various institutions. Children diagnosis is a felonious act since their learning ability is wondrous and in the scholastic culture it is easy to expand any ability of the child. Instead of promoting that, many grownups repress and castrate the child. In many places around the world children are put into an educational production line that is meant to enslave the child for the sake of a state, a religion or a terrorist organization. In most cases it succeeds and it is if the child’s brain is deleted. His freedom of thought is eliminated. The child gets into the swing of things determined by his parents and teachers and from this point on he just recycles himself predictably almost like any other animal in nature.
I resent the idea of putting the blame on the children. In Friendship School there is no point in discussing the children outside of their cultural context. The parents are the ones who create the family’s language. Children are the product of this language. Just as there is no point in blaming children in Budapest for speaking Hungarian. Children react to whatever they sense that is preoccupying their parents and obey their culture. Sometimes they resent their parents’ repression (some children give up on the chance to be accepted by their parents and act on the fringes against the system. There are many phenomena which are a kind of protest – the child is willing to sacrifice his identity in order not to be repressed by the grownups). In any case, young children do not live in a vaccume.
First, you should nurture your relationship with your spouse. This is the most worthwhile investment as far as you and your children are concerned. Nevertheless, friendship with children is not that complicated and is a pity to miss. The best foundation to children’s growth is the friendship between the spouses. They notice how much mother enjoys father and father enjoys mother, so go for it.
Secondly, invest in yourself and develop your ability to enjoy all kinds of activities. It does not require money and investments but brains and culture. Ride your bike, sing. You can enjoy singing even if you do not sing like a professional singer. Dance, fly kites, go to the beach, travel, laugh, bake cakes and so forth…
Invite your children to do these activities with you. You do not have to do things which bore you. Your children will notice that. The most essential thing is that parents release themselves from their egocentric hoops in the presence of their children. In other words, be at your best in front of the children. Most parents have this ability and they are indeed at their best at work and in the presence of people who are important to them. They are now asked to use this ability in the presence of their children as well.
The most important principal is not to serve the children, but to serve their development. It means that you are supposed to let your baby hold his bottle and later on his spoon and enable him to eat by himself. In other words, you should prefer promoting his ability to the cleanliness of the house. It is not a permanent situation. The child’s ability develops as quickly as lightning and it shall soon enable him to eat without making a mess. Moreover, you are supposed to teach your child to take you and his siblings into consideration. The more his ability develops, the more it enables him to participate in your cultural pastime.
I shall elaborate a little. Friendly parents are aware of their exact abilities and their limitations and do not present themselves as omnipotent. For instance, I know absolutely nothing about electronics and computers. My children should not respect me in relation to these fields. I shall respect them and derive pleasure from their abilities and they shall respect me where I deserve respect.
Friendly parents shall notice the fast growing abilities of their children. They shall enable their children to enjoy their parents’ abilities and include them in the activities they like to do and they are good at. The children will meet their parents where they are at their best. It will encourage the children to be at their best as well.
In such a way it is possible to avoid a static crude pattern of parenthood. A six year old child might have a specific superior ability compared to his parents – for example, an ability related to computers. At the age of ten he might swim better than his parents and excel in other areas as well – and still be able to enjoy spending time with his parents. The parents are supposed to teach him to take them and his siblings into consideration. The child shall get to know various social combinations which will widen his horizons and enrich his emotional experiences. He will know when he is by himself and when there are other people around whom he must take into consideration.
As long as he is incapable, he will not be invited. So, he shall wish to develop since it will open new interesting doors for him. When we do not take our child with us it does not mean we punish him. Punishments force parents to act like police officers and promote negative pastime. Not taking the child is like mediating between his abilities and the reality. A grown-up cannot enter an event without the appropriate ticket. It should be the same with our children. We should not let them join a trip if they do not have the ability to be considerate. A baby can spoil the enjoyment of the whole family.. It is not friendly. We teach him something which is irrelevant outside the family.
I resent the contemporary trend of restoration of parental authority. It reminds me of slogans such as ‘relive your past’ or ‘honor thy father and thy mother’. This is a crude approach which is typical of militaristic, short-sighted and narrow-minded thinking. We, the parents, shall show the savage who runs the show. A more broad-minded person understands that most children will abandon their studies and all other activities which are forced upon them the minute they have the chance to do so. Moreover, some of them will react to their parents the same way as the latter did and will make their lives miserable. And even if the child develops burdensome behavior patterns it is not advisable to drag him to psychological treatments. His parents, having received short guidance, shall produce change in him more easily than any psychologist.

 

Friendship with Adolescents

There is a myth regarding adolescents according to which they must undergo a serious crisis called “adolescence crisis”. Children whose parents are growth and change decliners grow and reach the ceiling the parents put above their heads. Some of the adolescents do not develop further and remain “good children” in the negative sense of the words – namely, they are obedient and programmed, limited as their parents wanted them to be, and do not enjoy personal freedom to explore the world. Neither the parents nor the adolescents could truly be satisfied with that.
Other adolescents develop further out of crude rebellion against the grownups. Their path is full of obstacles and bitter struggles. There are certain advantages to that, but the costs are sometimes high since numerous mental resources are wasted. Parents who avoid the fact that their adolescent has an independent ability, and insist on crude parenthood might push the adolescent into highly risky places. On the other hand, parents in the scholastic culture enable the adolescents to continue the process of growth and production of abilities.
Friendly parents derive benefit from their children’s growth which enables them to “resign” from their full job as parents. They take advantage of the free time and use it to enrich their relationship and promote their cultural development while learning something from their adolescents. In other words, instead of judging the adolescents, often unfavorably, parents are supposed to grab the opportunity and learn some things from their adolescents. In this way, the parents can enrich their own identity, relate to the contemporary culture and equip themselves for future developments which are about to knock on their door. Thus, they derive much more satisfaction from their life and are able to maintain a friendly relationship with their adolescents. Other parents are left behind and do not understand the world around then: they are stuck at the same place, in a world the consider the best, and see the “new” world as a distorted one. Needles to say that this situation leads to wide gaps between parents and children.
It is important that adolescents equip themselves with the ability to sift through the various possibilities and find their own way. A person whose thinking tools are crude cannot handle his energies and the numerous possibilities he comes across. He is not patient enough to develop his identity and he needs immediate, crude solutions. It is typical of penitents who believe in decisive solutions and clear vision. It is also typical of zealous fans of sports teams but also of members of gangs. On the other hand, those who are equipped with friendlier thinking tools shall experience an adolescence period which is rich in experiences, fascinating and enriching and will not need to use unfriendly, destructive means.

 

Psychosomatics

Spending time on illnesses resembles any other kind of pastime. Moreover, it might even be more addictive. Contrary to popular opinion, I believe it is much easier to suffer than to enjoy life. In order to develop an ability to enjoy, we must usually invest in it, but a relief derived from feelings of suffering and pain is available to all and easily achieved. Until one reaches the point when he enjoys his piano playing he must make a lot of efforts consistently and, on the other hand, spending time in medical examinations and treating illnesses is much more available. Thus, I believe that a person who wishes to develop a healthy identity must decide to be part of the scholastic culture.
In addition, a person who does not feel well and diagnoses his physical condition as a fragile one, is expected to become sick in time. Stomach aches might turn into an ulcer, heart sensitivity might turn into a heart disease and so forth. Just as a person who practices the piano consistently eventually becomes a pianist, a person who is always occupied with diseases develops an identity of a sick person.
Fortunately, only very few people are doomed to be sick, injured and seriously limited. Most patients just choose to be overly occupied with diseases in their free time.
Even if someone is really suffering from a chronic disease or a certain deformity, it does not necessarily mean his identity should be one of a sick or disabled person. Let’s take for example a person who has become blind. Obviously he cannot see. Many people would build their whole identity based on this limitation and develop an identity of a disabled person for life and pertaining to all areas of life. But such a person could also choose to develop his identity as a musician, a writer, a teacher, a spouse, a parent and so forth. In other words, such a person can combine his limitation with the other components of his identity. When I meet such a person I have to remind myself he cannot see since this person puts his identity at the front – his abilities rather than his limitations.

 

Professional Identity

Instead of trying to find yourself, in Friendship School we suggest learning how to shape your identity. Before we deal with big, central questions such as “What will you be when you grow up?” or “What, in your opinion, will make you a satisfied, happy person”? we create tools that shall enable us with time to deal with the bigger questions. As a first step each one of us should start shaping the next morning. The next evening. To invest in certain type of management that would make his Sunday more interesting, more entertaining. In other words, building a personal operating system of time management. It is not just about passing time by watching T.V endlessly or passing time with a few other bored people at a bar, but about activities that enrich people’s abilities.
If a person still does not succeed in enjoying or making the best of his personal time, he should not mislead himself into thinking that he shall succeed in producing a set of complex related activities that will lead to change of identity. (Nevertheless, we should not forget that many people around the world do not even reach the point when they deal with identity questions. They are born into certain pre-planned targets and their whole daily schedule is dedicated to reaching these targets. The best example is people who are born in a certain religious community)/
While doing his homework, the client’s time fills up with all sorts of interesting, beneficial activities and soon his world includes all sorts of hobbies. A certain part of the day is dedicated to providing a certain service and getting paid for it. When a person develops his ability related to this service, he, in fact, builds the infrastructure that will enable him to develop a professional capability and an expertise that shall become a more central part of his identity. In time he discovers what should become his profession for life and what should remain a secondary pastime or a hobby; shaping his identity is based upon the amount of time he dedicates to each of the above activities. I, for instance, started dedicating more and more time to psychology and less and less time to my guitar practicing and other activities. This is why I became a psychologist who occasionally plays the guitar and sings. A different person could have become a guitar player and a singer who sees psychology as a hobby. In the scholastic culture almost everybody can discover within himself a wide variety of ability segments and fragments of talents which might cause confusion and hesitation. Moreover, we cannot possibly take advantage of the numerous possibilities surrounding us. There are much more books than we can possibly read, much more men and women than we can possibly love and so forth. That is the reason why it is highly important that we develop our ability to sift through and select from all the possibilities the one that would best reflect our talents. A person who has learnt how to do that enjoys his activities and lives the most satisfactory life. He shapes his identity based on his maximal ability and not on certain limitations.

 

Friendship in Businesses and Organizations

Instead of dealing with problems, in Friendship School we deal with promoting the interests of the business or organization. First, we find the capable people, the ones who are friends of the institution, the ones who are capable of sensing the things that might promote their workplace and the interests of the employees. These people should have more senior roles. The shaping of the roles should be done according to the variety of abilities. People should learn about each other’s abilities and enjoy each other. Capable people should take responsibility for new employees or more limited employees and make sure their work bears fruit. They are supposed to identify people who have an ability to learn and who might become friends of the institutions in the future. The several people who cannot be friends of the institutions, who are not capable of learning and changing, who constitute a burden and damage the institution should be dismissed or put into harmless positions.
When we know how to take advantage of people’s talents outside the workplace, and produce entertaining and cultural expression channels out of the reservoir of employees – the workplace, that was once just a source of income, becomes a pleasant place. We might as well enjoy the activity we dedicate most of our time to; since most people spend much more time at work than at home.

 

Creative Thinking

Most thinking people use the tools of analysis and logic; namely, they analyze a situation based on a certain analytic tool and reach conclusions derived from their analysis. Others do not even think, but make do with reciting out of the reservoir of their primary education. This process makes their way of thinking a fixated, predictable one. If they come across a thought which does not match their opinion, they usually use their rejection reflex – and remain with the same bunch of opinions which is already planted in their brain. Even if they come up with a certain innovative idea, they immediately “kill” it with a contradicting idea.
In friendly thinking we do not reject any idea but add it to the reservoir of ideas. Thus, all ideas and thoughts are placed side by side and it is possible to scan them without reflexes of diagnosis, pre-judgment or rejection. In the scholastic culture, curiosity knows no limit; freedom of thought is endless and all sorts of “truth” are not taken for granted. Thus, the scenery in front of us becomes wider and wider and one can discover in it much more combinations and possibilities compared with the scenery of the narrow-minded. Eventually, choosing the combination which seems best to us drives away all other possibilities. When a person practices this type of thinking and nurtures it, an infrastructure is created and serves as the basis of revelations that are innovative and creative.

 

Politics

It is not easy to trap a person and characterize him based on crude diagnosis. It is not easy to assume his best interests. It is much more difficult to diagnose couples and families and promote their interests. Diagnosing nations and countries, knowing what their best interests are and promoting them is truly impossible. In elections, most people vote based on an automatic reflex, which is far from being based on reasoning and certainly not on friendly reasoning. Even people who believe they base their vote on well-argued reasoning do not see how predictable and fixated their opinion is. Most votes are traditional and herdic.
Most politicians do no perceive themselves as people who serve the public and promote its best interests. They are mainly concerned with encouraging their voters to keep on voting for them. They do not invest in education which promotes abilities related to thinking, selecting and growing since it will force them to be more developed and enlightened than they usually are. They are narrow-minded clerks. Even a child in the third grade can lead a herd of second-grade children, and as long as they are willing to remain in a lower grade, the leader can afford to remain as is.
Nevertheless, our world is constantly changing, and the speed of change is not always easy to follow. In the past earth was so big that each nation was separated from other nations and there was no friction. Nowadays, our world is so crowded that referring separately to national or religious perception might damage the national interest since it does not take the outside world into account. Just like a team player who plays as if he were by himself instead of joining forces with the rest of the players for the sake of the team. If the team fails, he shall be one of the losers.
Nurturing and teaching values is not especially efficient. All religious call for love for mankind, and still, throughout the generations, religions were the main cause for bloodshed. Values are pointless unless they are accompanied by the ability to accept people who are different than us, unless we are able to become friends with them. A person who is not capable of that, is forced to reject and hate people who do not fit in his narrow world. Spouses who do not know how to be friends fight a lot; when members of different religions and nations come across each other, and they are not equipped with the ability to make friends, it turns into bloodshed. Nowadays many nations own weapons which are capable of blowing up earth entirely. Thus, promoting the ability to make friends is essential to humankind survival.
So far I have described the gist of the method. For further information please refer to my other books and/or the friendly lexicon which can be found on our internet site. You are also invited to join one of the courses in Friendship School.